Indiana Jones versus Iron Man

Can Indy keep his unbeaten streak going?Indiana Jones is the reigning champion on this site and is beginning to develop quite the unbeaten streak. He will be trying to defend his nonsensical championship against Iron Man, who was made immortal by Black Sabbath’s song of the same name. No, I’m not talking about Tony Stark; the real deal showed the world who was the true Iron Man back in the Iron Man versus Iron Man fight. The cyborg from the future also has a bit of an unbeaten streak to defend, although this is his first appearance in the Contest of Champions.

Round One:
While on another artifact-finding mission, Indy comes across a strange statue. It’s not anything like he’s seen from any ancient culture before. It looks like a man, not stylized in any way and crafted completely out of iron. An Iron Man, if you will.

Indy’s first instinct is to simply ignore the statue and look for something that has more obvious cultural significance. But even as he turns away to liberate some important pieces of culture from another tomb, his eyes keep turning back to the Iron Man. Indy wonders: can he see or is he blind? Can he walk at all, or if he moves, will he fall? Ultimately, the archaeologist decides to just pass him there. After all, he reasons, why should he even care?

As Indy turns his back on the statue, Iron Man springs to life, showing his latest victim exactly why he should care. Do you know what it feels like to get punched in the back of the skull by an iron fist? Probably not, but Indiana Jones certainly does. Round One goes to Iron Man.

Round Two:
Reeling from the hit and staggering away from an opponent whose one goal in life is to eradicate the human race that he once belonged to, Indy grabs his pistol and fires blindly behind him while making a getaway. His bullets do no real damage, largely missing and only causing some minor dents when they do hit, but their force slows down Iron Man for long enough for Indy to get out of sight. From there he grabs several torches and some oil, determining that the best way to defeat his opponent is with the time-honored weapon of cleansing fire. Cracking his bull whip, Indy wraps up Iron Man and douses him in oil. Then he starts hurling torches, covering Iron Man in fire. Iron Man seems undaunted by the attack, and Indy starts to withdraw as the fiery metal man advances toward him. However, those iron joints slowly melt, and as the oil burns off and the metal cools, Iron Man is seemingly paralyzed. Round Two goes to Indiana Jones.

Round Three:
Just stopping Iron Man’s movement isn’t enough for Indy, because the metal man slowly begins to break free from the rapid soldering job and move again. Always prepared, Indiana Jones rushes out of the dig site and grabs a barrel of gunpowder. He rushes back into the dig and spreads it around Iron Man, then rushes outside and puts a match to it, hoping to blow the metal man apart. Another archaeologist asks him what the hell he’s doing, but Indy simply exclaims that there’s no time to explain. The explosion is devastating and reburies thousands of years of forgotten culture, but that doesn’t both Indy. The important thing is that the metal man is taken care of. He strolls off into the desert trying to decide which woman he will sleep with tonight only to fight with in the morning. Then Iron Man falls from the skies, landing right in front of Dr. Jones. The metal man rises, unharmed by the explosion but now even angrier than before. Indy reaches for his gun as the two prepare to begin the battle anew… Round Three is a draw.

Round Four:
Firing as quickly as possible in order to keep Iron Man off balance, Indy makes a hasty retreat through a box canyon. Slowed somewhat by the rigors of the battle, Iron Man has trouble keeping up with Indy, and it looks like the archaeologist is going to make a daring escape and come back to fight another day. It looks that way, rather, until Indy reaches the end of the canyon and finds himself trapped. (They don’t call them box canyons for nothing.) Heavy boots of lead fill Indiana’s heart full of dread. Turning around, he faces his demise like a man as Iron Man tears Indy apart with his bare hands. The world sheds a tear for the loss of Indiana Jones, but deep down we all know that some bizarre ancient artifact will miraculously bring him back to life the next time I want to use him for a fight. Round Four and the match go to Iron Man.


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