Gollum versus Jar Jar Binks

There is just no comparing these two. One is awesome, and so are the movies he's in. The other is Jar Jar frikkin' Binks.This fight seems pretty much like a no-brainer in terms of class. In one corner there is the ultimate embodiment of corruption via power and obsession with said power, created by J.R.R. Tolkien and brought to life on screen by Andy Serkis. In contrast to that we have what I can only image is the after effects of some bad crack taken by George Lucas as he thought up the story for The Phantom Menace. The presence of Jar Jar Binks was toned down by the second episode, by the damage had already been done by then.

Round One:
Well, it’s been suggested to me that I was a tad unfair in this fight for not giving Jar Jar Binks a space on the poll for people to vote for him. In retrospect, I suppose that it was indeed unfair. On the other hand, it’s also unfair that George Lucas makes the amount of money that he does when there is so much poverty and misery in this world, so I guess there’s a lesson there. Still, in the interest of at least striving toward the ideal of fair, I’m going to allow Jar Jar to win this first round.

Jar Jar Binks is walking down the streets of (insert name of random Star Wars planet here) yelling stupid shit like, “Meesa such an archaic black stereotype!” Somehow, he manages to get to the end of the street alive without some merciful god smiting him and sparing us all the annoyance of his existence. Round One goes to Jar Jar for just living and proving once again that there has got to be some sort of malevolent design to this universe.

Round Two:
Suddenly, Jar Jar falls down an open sewer grate. There’s a comical flailing of limbs and the inevitable splash of sludge as the stupid Gungan tries desperately to serve as comic relief in his mistake of a life. Being too stupid to realize that the ladder out of the sewers is right freakin’ above him, he wanders aimlessly in this dark subterranean world for hours. Eventually he is discovered by…Gollum, of course.

Now, I’m going to add a bit of an interlude and a disclaimer here. Gollum, in my mind, is one of the great literary characters out there. He has a rather unique style of speech, one which is imitated by jerks like me all the time for its comic implications. I could try to come up with some good Gollum speech, but in the end it would suck. It would suck badly, and it would insult the memory of J.R.R. Tolkien, the character of Gollum, and the millions of fans of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. Tolkien’s estate, were they to know of my existence, would fly into a rage and unleash some sort of mythical horror upon me in order to end my life and the lives of my immediate family. So let’s just accept my limitations as a half-assed writer and just keep the Gollum-speak to a minimum.

Gollum wonders many things upon meeting Jar Jar. Does he eat it? Is he really that hungry? Would he maybe prefer a raw, wriggling fish instead? And why is he still around after doing a cannonball into the flames of Mount Doom? Jar Jar looks at him vacantly, and the two size one another up for the better part of an hour. Eventually, it comes down to a game of riddles, and Gollum goes first:

“I never was, am always to be,
No one ever saw me, nor ever will
And yet I am the confidence of all
To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.”

The answer is “tomorrow,” and if you could figure it out on your own, well, you’re a smarter person than I. I would have wound up eaten by Gollum in the “Riddles in the Dark” chapter of The Hobbit, if not sooner. Jar Jar Binks is even stupider than I, and the mere idea of expending energy in an effort to actually think sends such horror through his feeble mind that he smacks his head on the side of the sewer and knocks himself unconscious. Round Two goes to Gollum.

Round Three:
Jar Jar eventually awakes to feel six sharp teeth cutting into his soft computer generated flesh. He leaps up in a panic and tries to escape, but Gollum is used to capturing live fish and chasing down rabbits when he can find them. A moronic lizard-human-thing isn’t going to stand much of a chance. Gollum grabs the Gungan in a pair of small but very strong hands and begins wringing his neck. He sinks his teeth deep into Jar Jar’s flesh and takes a bite out of his midsection. Then he turns and spits the meat onto the ground, offended by the taste. And trust me, it takes a helluva bad taste to offend Gollum’s pallette. Jar Jar runs off in a panic, trips over a stone, and falls into a puddle. He flails for several minutes, not realizing that he needs air in order to survive. Being too stupid not to remain face down in the puddle, he drowns several minutes later. Somewhere else, Obi Wan Kenobi breathes a long sigh of relief as he feels a million voices cry out in joy across the galaxy. Round Three and the match go to Gollum.

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One Response to “Gollum versus Jar Jar Binks”

  1. anonymous Says:

    He’s aquatic.

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