Godzilla versus Indiana Jones
Godzilla is the site’s reigning champion. A massive nuclear-powered dinosaur, he serves largely as a punishment to mankind for its experiments with atomic weaponry. On occasion, he also beats up aliens and other irradiated dinosaurs. Where monsters and armies have fallen before Godzilla’s might, a single man hopes to prevail. His name is Indiana Jones, and he is an archaeologist. Of course, he doesn’t so much study ancient cultures as he steals treasures so that the Nazis don’t get to it first. Regardless, for this fight he is humanity’s last hope. (Unless he loses, in which case someone else will face Godzilla next week.)
The year is 1954. World War II has been over for almost a decade now, and the free world is now gearing up for a fight against communism. Indiana Jones’ adventures are over, and he now spends his time teaching college student how to rob graves…er, be good archaeologists. Unfortunately, the good Dr. Jones’ teaching abilities are not what they once were, and most of his classes consist of him talking about how he beat up weird Nazi creations.
“And so I went up to the Nazi zombie dragon-apostle and I said, ‘No, Your mom is a…'”
Before Indy can finish his statement, a giant green foot bursts through the wall of his classroom. Soon afterwards, Godzilla reduces the entire university to a smoking pile of rubble, seemingly killing Indiana Jones in the process. Round One goes to Godzilla.
As we pan away from the scene of Godzilla knocking over yet another city, we see a group of Germans cackling in glee at the sight. Of the three individuals (who, being Germans in a post-World War II setting, must either be Nazis or Communists…or Nazi-Communists), one of them holds the Spear of Destiny, which, according to what I’ve learned from DC Comics, allows them to control Godzilla’s mind. With Indiana Jones out of the picture and Godzilla under their sway, they can now create a new, more powerful Reich.
Unfortunately for the Nazi-Communists, their scheming is interrupted when they are each shot with deadly accuracy. Just as the last one goes down, he sees Indiana Jones, now dressed in his traditional adventuring gear and silly hat, looking handsomely ragged after somehow escaping Godzilla’s wrath. Acting quickly, Indy goes for the Spear of Destiny. However, he comes just short of grabbing it when he has to dive for cover himself as Godzilla sends a blast of nuclear fire his way. With the spear burned and Godzilla more enraged than ever, things look very hopeless for Indiana Jones. Round Two goes to Godzilla.
Godzilla’s rampage sends Indy scrambling for cover, and it looks like curtains for our hero when suddenly a strange brown-skinned individual in red robes grabs Indy and pulls him out of the way. Speaking through a thick and unplacable accent, explains that Godzilla’s existence is really some sort of dark curse from a forgotten god and describes an ancient treasure that Indy must retrieve in order to save the day. Indy nods wearily, half hearing what the mystic is saying as he sizes up his foe. Then he takes out his pistol and carefully aims at Godzilla. Pulling the trigger, he hits Godzilla square in the chest. Much to everybody’s surprise, Godzilla simply drops dead from the bullet. As it turns out, he has a weak spot in his chest. I don’t know why thousands of soldiers never clued into the fact that they should shoot for the big silver bullseye on his torso, but I can direct you to the movie where said weak spot is established.
Of course, the mystic believes that Indy must have used some sort of holy bullet or something, and Indy himself just sort of shrugs the whole thing off and decides to jump into bed with an old flame, only to find out that his father has beaten him to it. So instead he goes to the mystic’s native country and is worshiped as a god until he gets bored of it all and goes back to grave robbery…er, archaeology. Round Three and the fight go to Indiana Jones.