The Knights of the Dinner Table versus Godzilla

Godzilla is a 30 HD monster, at least.The reigning page champions, the Knights of the Dinner Table are the best damned gamers in the town of Muncie. Known for their remarkable devotion to lucky dice, and their penchant for killing nameless NPCs, they have hacked and slashed their ways into gamers’ hearts. Their opponent will be Godzilla, King of the Monsters. Actually, it should be Gojira, but I’m just another stupid American who has watched the butcheries of the Japanese films too often. Godzilla is about 400 feet tall and breathes some sort of nuclear fire. He is not the Big Lizard from the 1998 film. That is America being even stupider than usual.

Round One:
Against all probability, Godzilla is sick and tired of attacking Tokyo. He’s looking for a change, something that will allow him to enjoy a rural landscape while at the same time engaging his desire to smash the crap out of everything. In short, he’s looking for a small town called Muncie. Since Muncie isn’t New York, Los Angeles, or anywhere in Texas, the federal government couldn’t care less what happens to it. As a result, they decide to simply turn a blind eye on the area and focus on more important things like fighting terrorism in Kerbobistan (yeah Josh, you and I are the only ones who will understand that joke). Things look grim indeed for Muncie, but not all is lost. There is one group of heroes (?) that have not given up on the area: the Knights of the Dinner Table. Thinking quickly, the Knights raid Weird Pete’s gaming shop, taking all of the four-sided dice that they can find. They then spread the caltrop-like four-siders across the city. As Godzilla lumbers into the downtown area, he steps on some of them and stumbles, screaming in pain as the deadly little things bite into his scaled feet. Round One goes to the Knights of the Dinner Table.

Round Two:
Seeing their foe dropped to the ground and writhing in pain, the Knights gather together a collection of weapons purchased at their last RenFaire and prepare to deal some death to the monster. That is, they would be dealing death to Godzilla, if it wasn’t for the fact that Bob and Dave notice all of the screaming civilians fleeing the area. Realizing that it’s time for some quick and easy experience points, the Knights abandon their main target in hopes of leveling up before the final confrontation. The poor citizens don’t stand much of a chance as they are hacked down by their would-be saviors, with only Sara trying to talk reason to them. In the meantime, Godzilla managed to stand back up and use his radioactive breath to reduce all of those dreadful four-siders to slag. Round Two goes to Godzilla for remembering his purpose in the fight.

Round Three:
The Knights turn from their carnage as they hear Godzilla bellowing his rage. Snapped back to reality by the sight of a 400-foot mutant dunosaur smashing buildings to the ground and setting fire to the remains, the Untouchable Trio plus One realizes how boned they really are. With their backs against the wall as Godzilla moves toward the one group that actually stood against him, the Knights turn to Brian, smarmy rules lawyer extraordinaire, who almost always finds a way out of any jam. Brian assesses the situation with his lightning-fast mind, and then comes to the only possible solution:

“Nope. Sorry guys, we’re screwed.”

Realizing how grim their situation really is, the group is left with no other option but a tactical withdrawal (i.e., running like hell as nuclear fire rains down from the skies above). Muncie is utterly destroyed, and the Knights have to accept their first defeat on this page…for now… Round Three and the match go to Godzilla, although the Knights may be back to settle the score…

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