The Knights of the Dinner Table versus Dr. Evil

These guys have so much in common, like...um...The Knights of the Dinner Table are the current champions of this site, although only two-thirds of the membership has made an appearance. B.A. Felton typically serves as the GM of the group, while gaming legend Johnny Kizinski has moved away but is still a member in good standing with the Knights. As for Dr. Evil, he’s a key part of the rich history of this page. He’s the winner of the very first fight posted on this site and has already shown up in the Contest of Champions in a loss to the Tick. I had unofficially retired him, but like a bad penny, he keeps resurfacing.

Round One:
Upon realizing how pathetic he is as a supervillain, Dr. Evil finally hangs up the old death ray and hits the road. Looking for a new identity, he goes where all good sociopaths eventually end up…a gaming convention. Heading up a game of Heroes and Zeroes at Garycon, he is unfortunate enough to find himself GMing for the Knights of the Dinner Table. Within half an hour, the Knights have completely dismantled Dr. Evil’s carefully planned game. They call the villain’s bluff of killing the hostages (because the hostages are only NPCs), dismember the bad guy, and are now using the death ray to rack up experience points by wiping out the unsuspecting populace. Dr. Evil meanwhile gives himself some minor brain damage pounding his head against the table. Round One goes to the Knights of the Dinner Table.

Round Two:
Infuriated by his humiliation in his first outing as a gamemaster, Dr. Evil tracks the Knights all the way back to Muncie, where he falls back upon his old tricks. His crazy and evil ways didn’t help him out in his other billion or so appearances on this page, but this time around he’s feeling lucky. He waits until Thursday night when the group is all assembled for game. Just as game begins, Dr. Evil bursts into the room and zaps everyone with a paralysis ray that he’s had left over from his gadgets that were created in the 60s. The Knights are all frozen solid, and Dr. Evil puts the paralysis ray away in favor of a more practical – and deadly – 9mm automatic.

“This is too perfect,” he gloats, raising the trademark pinky to the lower corner of his mouth. “I could kill you all right now, but that would be…to easy, wouldn’t it?”

Dr. Evil then goes on to gloat over the helpless Knights, telling them how superior he is as a villain, a gamemaster, and a person in general. His monologue takes quite a while, eventually straying into his troubled childhood which is really the cause of his evil dickery, but he’ll show them all, dammit! During this rant, the paralysis ray wears off. The Knights tune out Dr. Evil’s monologue, sit down, and go on to have a pretty enjoyable game. Round Two almost goes to Dr. Evil, but not quite.

Round Three:
With the fifth act of his monologue finally drawing to a close some four hours later, Dr. Evil turns triumphantly toward his captives only to find out that they’re getting ready to leave. They’ve eaten all the Cheetos, drank all the Mountain Dew, and are just waiting for B.A. to finish tallying up the experience points for the session. Infuriated that the Knights, like the rest of the universe, haven’t taken him seriously, Dr. Evil grabs the edge of the table and heaves it into the air, sending dice and character sheets flying. The action finally gets some attention, and Dr. Evil gives a wickedly triumphant grin at the pained gasps that come from his foes. A silence falls over the room…

Said silence is broken shortly thereafter by Brian lunging across the room and grabbing Dr. Evil’s throat for disrupting the most important part of game: the experience tally at the end. The rest of the Knights follow shortly, and Dr. Evil is pummeled mercilessly. He finally manages to crawl out of B.A.’s house several hours later, even more of a pathetic wreck of a man than he was before. Round Three and the fight go to the Knights of the Dinner Table.

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