The Jedi Council versus the Green Lantern Corps

This fight came as a result of two things. First, I saw the trailer to the third and thankfully final Star Wars prequel. It didn’t make me want to watch the movie, but it had some neat-looking action scenes in it. Secondly, I read the comic book mini-series Green Lantern: Rebirth, which reminded why the Green Lantern is so damned cool, despite my rantings about old episodes of Superfriends over in the Comic Book Rants section. And these two groups have a lot in common. They are both powerful groups that preserve order in the universe, though the Jedi are more like lawmakers while the Lanterns are more like cops. They both use their willpower to draw upon some powerful cosmic voodoo; the Jedi use the Force to work their magic while the Lanterns use their power rings to create anything imaginable. Weird-looking aliens form large portions of their ranks, though I don’t remember any Jedi that resemble talking squirrels. And, of course, they are both run by really old, decrepid, and weird-looking aliens: the Jedi have Yoda, and the Lanterns have the Guardians of the Universe. Now these two forces of good are fighting in a gigantic galactic arena to determine which group is best suited to defend the universe. Or, more accurately, because I thought it would be cool.

Round One: Mace Windu versus Guy Gardner
Anger leads to awesome!
What better way to get things started than to have one of the best-trained and most disciplined Jedi face off against one of the craziest and most immature Green Lanterns? Guy isn’t one of the more creative members of the Corps, and doesn’t worry about his ring constructs looking good. So he starts out just throwing green fists and firing laser beams, which Mace easily dodges. Eventually, Mace closes ranks with him and draws his lightsaber, laying into Guy. While Guy’s ring keeps his limbs intact, the lightsaber still hurts, and eventually Guy loses his temper. And that’s where we see Mace’s flaw. Yeah, he’s cool and all – no one played by Samuel Jackson isn’t – but he can’t tap into rage or other such negative emotions, lest he give in to the dark side. Guy has no such handicap. In fact, Guy’s rage strengthens and intensifies his attacks, and eventually Mace is overwhelmed.

Heh…no, I kid. Guy was going to win this round, but then I looked at the picture above and realized how much of a badass Sam Jackson is. Mace gets up and crams his lightsaber down Guy’s throat. End of story. Round One goes to the Jedi Council.

Round Two: Obi Wan Kenobi versus Hal Jordan
Two whitebread icons of their respective franchises.
Meanwhile, in another area of the arena, Obi Wan Kenobi is facing off against the greatest of the Green Lanterns, Hal Jordan. Hal and Obi Wan have both had very inconsistant portayals in their individual continuities. They have alternated between being bold and careless to shrewd and wise, so it’s hard to say how they will go at it.

Hal takes things to the sky, soaring through the air while Obi Wan stays on the ground planning what happens when he gets close enough. He does try the Jedi mind trick to lure Hal into range, but such head games are pretty useless against someone who is not only protected from mental attacks by his ring but who also possesses amazing willpower on his own. As a result, Obi Wan is forced to wait and see what Hal does as a first move. As it turns out, Hal makes his first move his last. He creates an F-16 fighter jet with his ring and parks it on Obi Wan’s foot. The pain is excrutiating and immobilizes the Jedi as Hal flies off to fight other Jedi. Obi Wan will eventually be able to free himself, but it takes time to move something that big, especially when it’s crushing your bones. He could be all badass and cut his foot off to get free, but how effective can he really be hopping his way into battle? Round Two goes to the Green Lantern Corps.

Round Three: Anakin Skywalker versus Kyle Rayner
Stupid punk kid versus...a stupid punk kid who actually grew some character development over the years.
Man Darth Vader, I used to think you were cool. Then I saw Episode Two and realized that you were just a bitchy little teen. It will take many viewings of Empire to erase those memories…

Anyway, the undisciplined Anakin lashes out with all his rage, despite shouts from Obi Wan across the arena to focus and not give in to the Dark Side. Creating an emerald shield, Kyle just waits, letting Anakin wear himself out. When physical attacks do nothing, Anakin starts doing weird shit that no Jedi should be able to do, like shooting lightning from his hands. Kyle lashes out with his own bolt of green energy, leading us to the classic energy standoff where the strongest will usually wins. When it comes to matters of will, we have Anakin who whines and moans that a woman he’s obsessing over won’t sleep with him despite the fact that he has never shown her anything resembling tenderness. Kyle, on the other hand, manages to keep things together even after seeing the love of his life chopped up by a psychopath and stuffed in a refrigerator. So yeah, Kyle wins and engulfs Anakin in his emerald blast. He then takes Anakin’s lightsaber and traps him in a green straightjacket. Then, to keep Anakin’s concentration off and keep him from doing any weird mind tricks, Kyle creates some headphones playing Metallica at top volume. End of round. Round Three goes to the Green Lantern Corps.

Round Four: Yoda versus Ganthet
If Ganthet ever got to be in a live action movie, he'd be a muppet, too.
Oh, we’re not done yet.

Despite Mace’s early success, things are starting to go badly for the Jedi, who are outmanned and outgunned by the Lanterns. That is, they’re outgunned until their leader steps forward. For some reason everyone thinks that Yoda with a lightsaber is the coolest thing since Godzilla became the Space Pope (no, I don’t know what I mean by that), so against my better judgment I’ll jump on the bandwagon. Yoda leaps into the fray, lightsaber in hand and makes his way toward Ganthet, the last Guardian of the Universe. Ganthet is obviously the leader here, because apparently all of the wisest and most powerful beings in the universe are three feet tall or shorter. Normally Ganthet is prepared for anything and has the power to back it up, but the sheer physical unreality of a three-foot tall green-skinned flying muppet causes his head to implode. If only he had realized that nigh-omnipotent blue-skinned gnomes that gather willpower on an electromagnetic spectrum are also pretty weird… Round Four goes to the Jedi Council.

Round Five:
John Stewart to the rescue!

With their leader defeated, the Lanterns fall back to regroup. The Jedi lick their wounds and prepare for one last assault on their foes. While Hal Jordan tries to talk confidence back into the Corps, John Stewart (the Green Lantern shown above, not the Daily Show host, you fucking simp) closes his eyes and focuses all of his will into creating a construct that will guarantee victory. Something pure, something strong, something that nothing can overcome. I think you all know what I mean…

Any questions?

That’s right, Shaft. John creates a huge Shaft construct. Now, it’s not the real Shaft, but with even a fraction of Shaft’s coolness it is able to tear the very fabric of the space-time continuum and banish the entire Jedi Council. They emerge from the vortex a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… Round Five and the fight go to Shaft…er, the Green Lantern Corps.

3 thoughts on “The Jedi Council versus the Green Lantern Corps

  1. I am 11% satisfied, which means you have exceeded your promise.

    And I knew Yoda wouldn’t let me down. Except when he showed an ethical lapse in using clone soldiers for cannon fodder.


  2. no guy gardner with red and green power ring or even after the drinking of the water that turned him into warrior sad day funny though


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s