Solid Snake versus Agent 47

Let's see...should this be a stealth-based fight or just a shoot-'em-up?The two greatest stealth video game characters of all time face off here. Well, I suppose that you could throw Sam Fisher in as one of the great stealth characters, but he’s a pansy compared to Snake and 47. Sure, he’s more realistic, but if I want reality then I’ll take a walk outside. Give me someone who takes on a tank with his bare hands or keeps a tool shed full of automatic weapons any day. In one corner we have Solid Snake, a one-time champion of the fights section and the man who invented the stealth game through the Metal Gear series. He’s best known for his appearances in the Metal Gear Solid, though interestingly enough he’s only the star of one of those games (I know it looks like he’s in MGS3, but that’s really his pop under the code name of Naked Snake). Taking him on is Agent 47, star of the less popular but actually much better Hitman series. 47 took the stealth game and brought it to a new level with disguises and meticulous planning. Of course, you can also play his games by just killing everyone, but they’re much cooler if you sneak through them.

Round One:
The Agency has received a new request for a hit, and after looking over the project, they find that the risk is extreme. The hitman assigned would have to find and kill the legendary Solid Snake. The client’s name? Nah, that’s not important. Nor is his motivation. The only really important piece of information is that we’ll be seeing some bloodshed because some rich sod made a phone call…a true American tradition.

Naturally, the only man capable of pulling off such a job is the legendary Agent 47. They could go for the stronger and faster Agent 48 model, but 47 murdered all of those years ago. And they could try the only other Hitman, Agent 17, except that 47 murdered him a year later. Thus, by process of elimination, 47 is the best man for the job. (Actually, several former members of FOX-Hound were better candidates, but 47 murdered them too…he does that a lot; you’d think he was some sort of hitman or something.)

47 is airlifted into the Alaskan wastes where Snake keeps his log cabin. He starts walking casually toward the cabin while Snake is chopping wood for a fire. However, he ultimately gets sick of the slow pace and the fact that it’s freakin’ freezing out there, so he starts toward the cabin at a jog. Out of the corner of his eye, Snake sees a man in a heavy jacket running across the vast arctic wastes. Suddenyl an exclamation point appears above his head. Using the old and outdated Hitman 2 AI, Snake deduces that no one should ever be running for any reason. He must be some sort of enemy, because otherwise he’d be walking across the frozen tundras like a normal goon! Snake darts into his cabin and pulls out his SOCOM, only to see…nothing. Round One goes to 47 for losing but then regaining the element of surprise.

Round Two:
While 47 was racing through the tundra, 47 came across Snake’s only other companion, his lover Meryl. (Okay, so depending on how you played Metal Gear Solid, he could be hanging out with Otacon. But that ending sucks bad…besides, a crossdresser is always good for a cheap laugh.) Sneaking up behind her, he sticks her with a syringe, knocking her unconscious for a short while. Obviously 47 is thinking a little too much of himself and trying to go for the Silent Assassin rating when he should just cap her in the back of the head. But I digress…

A short while later, after Snake has gone back to his work, Meryl comes into site, smiling and walking calmly toward him. However, thanks to his near-superhuman perception, Snake can tell that there’s something wrong…

“Hm…Meryl…you look pretty bald. And masculine. And there’s a tattoo of a bar code on the back of your skull. And you’re leveling a pair of .45s at my head. Wait a minute, you’re not Meryl at all!”

Snake’s keen (?) wit alerts him just in time to dodge out of the way as 47 unloads his silverballers at the target. Grabbing his Socom once again, the battle begins in earnest as Snake takes on 47, who is still dressed in Meryl’s tank top. Round Two goes to Snake, because 47 is just creeping me out right now.

Round Three:
In a face-to-face battle, both Snake and 47 are pretty evenly matched. 47 has two-gun mojo, which helps, but he’s got to reload every couple of shots. What’s more, Snake seems to be able to dodge gunfire and take hits much better than the average Hitman goon, and he’s not going down like a rag doll. Snake finds himself frustrated that he’s fighting an opponent with a brain who will use cover to his advantage. Ultimately, the fight becomes a question of who can take the most damage. Ultimately, Snake gets the upper hand here. When he’s near death, he pops open a ration and gulps it down, healing completely. Seeing this action, 47 stands still for a moment in shock.

“You mean to tell me that food can be used for eating and not just poisoning? And that I could be healing bullet wounds without having to use some alcoholic discount surgeon? Curse my makers!”

While 47 is ranting, Snake puts him down with a bullet between the eyes. The world goes white (well, whiter), and 47 dies. Snake heads off to find Meryl stripped naked and left in the snow, and brings her back to the cabin, feeding her a couple of those miracle rations to prevent frost bite. Round Three and the fight go to Solid Snake.

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