Sam Spade versus Max Payne

A noir battle.A newcomer to the fights page, Sam Spade is the hard-boiled detective hero of Dashiell Hammett’s novel The Maltese Falcon. The novel has been adapted to film numerous times, but none more successful or effective as the 1941 film starring Humphrey Bogart that established the film noir genre in America. Spade’s opponent will be Max Payne, the star of two very good video games who is finally getting out of the monotony of fighting Solid Snake again and again. Max is a hero in the mold of Spade, but has a bit more Hong Kong action theatre in him, adding such stunts as bullet time and two gun mojo to the noir repertoire.

Round One:
The two combatants meet in a dark alleyway to determine who is the hardest-boiled hero of all time. They stare each other down with an intensity that could burn a hole through a bank vault. Color seems to drain out of the world around them. They light up cigarettes, drink burbon, and talk in their interior monologues about the women they’ve loved and lost, the intensity of the situation, and the fact that they’re both dead inside. After three days and two nights of this staredown, Max finally breaks the tension by whipping out two berettas and diving forward in slow motion. He lets fly with both barrels, turning Sam Spade’s head to mush. Round One goes to Max Payne.

Round Two:
Max Payne calmly pockets his guns and takes a moment to savor his victory when Sam’s head surpiringly reforms. Spade looks at Max with dull yellow eyes and gives a V-shaped grin. Max retreats a couple of steps in surprise, only to bump into a second Sam Spade standing behind him. It turns out that Spade is so manly and has so much excess testosterone that he can use it to create hormone-based clones of himself. What soon becomes an army of Sam Spades move sort of like the T-1000, but rather than being made of some sort of liquid metal alloy, they are composed of pure manliness. Max fires off his guns in an attempt to keep the clones at bay, but there are just too many of them and he is eventually overwhelmed. Round Two goes to Sam Spade.

Round Three:
Things look bad for Max, who is currently beneath a veritable sea of Sam Spades. But then he realizes that he’s a pretty manly guy himself. Concentrating as hard as he can, he too creates a small army of testosterone-clones, and the war is on. Thousands of Sam Spades and Max Paynes pour into the streets, pounding the crap out of each other, shooting off guns, and wooing women. The North American continent splits in half as a result of the excess weight, and tidal waves engulf the coastal states as the thousands of combatants multiply and combine for enough mass to change the tides. Ultimately, their number dwindle and subside as the two sides slaughter one another freely and the streets run red with some sort of clone blood. When it’s all over, it’s just Max Payne left standing…next two about two hundred Sam Spade clones. It turns out that Sam Spade is simply more manly than even Max Payne. The remaining testosterone clones finish off poor Max before oozing back to their master, who has spent the entire fight holed up in a sleazy motel plowing a woman that he doesn’t love. Round Three and the fight go to Sam Spade.

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