Mario versus the Knights of the Dinner Table

Can the Knights defeat a rogue Mario?Mario is the lovable video game character who has gotten completely out of hand during these fights and has turned into a nefarious super villain bent on world domination and/or destruction. He’s the current champion of this page, and seems nearly unstoppable. The Knights of the Dinner Table previously defeated the Fantastic Four, and are looking to score a win against the nearly unbeatable video game juggernaut.

Round One:
Having killed his fair share of foes on this page, Mario has now amassed a healthy amount of experience points, which means that he has levelled up several times by now. Seeing that his hack factor has gone through the roof and that the rewards for taking him down would easily put them beyond level 30, the Knights choose to make their move, hunting down Mario with an assortment of weapons, lucky dice, and Hackmaster-bred tenacity. Unfortunately, Mario has a large network of spies by now, including one which operates as a mole within the Knights’ own henchmen ranks. So when the Untouchable Trio Plus One come looking for him, the crimson-clad plumber knows that they’re coming.

In their search for Mario, the Knights come across a peaceful garden, and immediately find one of Mario’s most formidable allies lying in wait: a red-coated gazebo. The Knights are instantly distracted and try to take down the architecture, er, “monster,” leaving Sarah as the only voice of reason as she tries to explain to them what exactly a gazebo is. While they are distracted, Mario strikes from behind, wielding a +10 sword of hefty overcompensation. The Knights are caught completely by surprise. Dave loses a leg, Brian gets his hands chopped off, and Bob is stabbed in the liver. Sarah, being the only one smart enough not to fall for the trap, manages to dive out of the way of the plumber’s frenzied hacking, saving herself…for now. Round One goes to Mario.

Round Two:
The Knights quickly reform ranks and try to stop the fat man from tearing them apart, but it seems impossible to land a hit on him. His wild series of jumps, backflips, tumbles, and other athletic skills more than makes up for his lack of heavy armor, and his AC is through the roof. Just as Mario is about to chop off Dave’s head, he hears Sarah’s voice from behind him and turns to face his new foe, allowing Dave to crawl off and nurse his wounds.

Much to Mario’s surprise, Sarah is not wielding a weapon or threatening him. Instead she has assumed a position of reverance, standing on one knee with her head bowed. In her most sincere voice, she makes an appeal to Mario’s humanity, to the hero that he once was, and begs him to stop this madness. At firs Mario simply sneers, ready to claim another helpless victim, but then something inside him snaps. He spends a few minutes wrestling with his conscience, and then leaps straight up, jumping out of battle and into the clouds… Round Two is a draw.

Round Three:
For those who have seen Superman 3, easily the best of all the Superman films (okay, not really, but the only one I can enjoy watching due to one scene), you will know where I stole this next scene from. Actually, since I just mentioned the movie that I stole it from, all of you know, even if you’ve never seen Superman 3 and thus have earned my contempt.

Alone in the clouds, Mario feels a pain within him, as though his very soul is tearing itself apart. Then, inexplicably, the inner conflict manifests itself as an outer one as Mario’s physical body splits in two, leaving the evil, twisted Mario to face his idealistic, cheerful, and heroic counterpart. The two stare each other down for quite some time, and then they go at it, providing us with a fight within a fight as they wrestle for control. Considering the power and skill that he’s shown in previous battles, Evil Mario should easily win, but Good Mario is the one who has had all of the amazing acrobatic abilities and zany adventures; without his good side, Evil Mario has to revert to his methods in Donkey Kong Junior, which means he send slow-moving robotic crocodiles after his foe. Good Mario twists, twirls, and spins through the air above the crocs, dodging them easily. Then he jumps on Evil Mario’s head three times, ending his threat and restoring the true Mario to our world. His job done, Mario falls through the clouds and back to earth, his fist thrust upwards in triumph and fireworks splitting the sky around him. He lands back in front of the injured Knights, and is about to thank them for their help in restoring him to himself when Bob sneaks up behind him and sinks a bolt of woeful pain in the back of the plumber’s head at point blank range. Needless to say, Mario keels over and dies. The last sound he hears is an exasperated sigh from Sarah as the rest of the Knights join in their famous battle cry…


Round Three and the fight go to the Knights of the Dinner Table.


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