Mario versus Mighty Mouse
Well, I’ve tried to put this fight off for quite a while, but I might as well finally get on with it. Up until the last fight that I did, Mario was one of the greatest video game heroes of all time. Then he fought Tommy Vercetti and was revealed to be a villain. Now I’ve written myself deep into a corner and have no choice but to continue this bastardization of the Italian plumber because people keep voting for the bastard. Next in line to fight him is Mighty Mouse, who once upon a time beat Pikachu in the fourth fight ever on this page.
Following the last battle in the Contest of Champions, Mario has gone into full-blown super villainy mode and now seeks a base for his evil operations. Ultimately, he turns to the past and seeks out a reminder of his first and only outing as a video game villain: the old jungle in which he tormented the Kong family in Donkey Kong Junior. Notice how no one has seen Junior since that game? That’s because Mario baked him into a meat pie shortly afterwards.
Unfortunately, Mario’s newer rounder three-dimensional form sticks out like a sore thumb among the broken pixels and eight-bit renderings of the 1984 jungle. The moment that he shows up there, Interpol nabs his image on a satellite and broadcasts the information to every superhero in the world in hopes of capturing him. Unfortunately, the Incredible Hulk smashes down the broadcast tower before the signal can fully be sent. As a result, the only heroes who pick up the signal are Mighty Mouse, Superman, and Batman. Superman is busy stopping an alien invasion, and Batman is too busy eating the liver of some criminal because Batman is a friggin’ loon. So it’s up to Mighty Mouse to save the day. He flies over to the jungle and strikes hard and fast, torching the place with his heat vision. (Wait…does Mighty Mouse have heat vision? Well, if he never used it, it turns out that he had forgotten that he had the ability and only recently remembered.) Mario is forced to flee while the shadows of his past go up in flames. Round One goes to Mighty Mouse.
Furious at what Mighty Mouse has done, Mario comes out guns blazing…literally. He whips out a tommy gun and starts firing wildly at the caped rodent while spewing a string of Italian curses. But Mighty Mouse simply thrusts out his chest and lets the bullets bounce off the emblem on the front of his uniform. When Mario runs out of ammo, he hurls a grenade, but Mighty Mouse simply grabs it and lets it explode in his palm. He then streaks toward Mario, punching him hard with his fists and sending the plumber reeling. Realizing that he may have met his match, Jumpman starts running like hell away from Super Mouse. Of course, mighty Mouse can fly, so running is pretty futile. Still, being a cartoon hero with a sense of the dramatic, Mighty Mouse does give Mario some time to make it almost seem that he will get away. Then he descends like a hawk diving at its prey. As Mighty Mouse grabs Mario and prepares to take him away, Mario reaches into his pocket. All he’s got is a piece of cheese wrapped in tissue paper (for some reason), but he throws it at the superhero in hopes of creating a distraction. As it turns out, the cheese is limburger, which just happens to be Mighty Mouse’s one weakness. The hero swoons and collapses, and mario begins to laugh maniacally. Round Two goes to Mario.
Following along with the archetype of the evil supervillain, Mario chains Mighty Mouse up and suspends him above a tank full of robotic piranhas. They’ve got adamantium teeth and laser beams attached to their heads, and with the effects of the limberger still lingering, they are powerful enough to rend even the super-powerful limbs of Mighty Mouse. Mario strings the hero up on a mechanism that will slowly lower him to his doom, leaving the plumber enough time to escape and allowing for an acceptable chance that Mighty Mouse will in fact die and not escape in a fashion previously believed to be impossible. Mario is about to deliver his victory speech to the hero, gloating about how he’s won and giving Mighty Mouse a few more important seconds to recover, but then he realizes how stupid that plan is and just drops his foe into the tank. Mighty Mouse dies in a most horrible manner as the mechanisms of evil tear apart one of my favorite childhood heroes; a sad day indeed. Round Three and the fight go to Mario.