Mario versus a Slinky

Can Mario defeat the thing that makes a slinky sound?We have two timeless celebrities in this battle. First we have Mario, the better half of the Super Mario Brothers video game series (nobody likes Luigi, not even Luigi), as well as one really bad movie. Facing off against the video game hero is the beloved childhood toy and model for countless physics experiments. It’s a spring, a spring, a marvelous thing, and Mario will soon know that’s it’s Slinky.

Round One:
The fight opens with Mario dashing off to work. It turns out that Princess Toadstool has a clog in her drain and needs a good plumber to fix things up. (You can read into that in whatever way you want.) He’s jumping over pits, hopping on turtles and kicking them out of their shells, and generally having a grand old time. But his daily routine is uddenly interruped when he hears a slinkety sound. Suddenly, looming before him larger than life is a massive spring-like creature walking down a set of stairs. Luckily for Mario, it moves alone for now instead of in pairs. In the true spirit of adventure, Mario does not allow such an odd contraption to slow him down and immediately leaps above it, trying to jump on what might pass for its head. But unluckily for Mario, the Slinky cannot be defeated by a mere jump. Mario hits the razor-sharp metallic edge of the spring and hurts himself. He shrugs his shoulders, falls down, and slow music plays while the Slinky marches onward. Round One goes to the Slinky.

Round Two:
If the Slinky had a mind of its own, it would probably think that Mario was defeated and lying dead in a gutter, the words “Game Over” hovering in a spectral scrawl in midair. But Mario has grown stronger, faster, and tougher over the years, and it takes more than one hit to hurt him. Mario picks himself up and, not being the type of person to simply take a beating and wander off, chases down the Slinky. He busts out some of the many moves that he has learned since the 1980s, including a smash and a spin jump, but nothing seems to effects the Slinky as it turns around and heads back Mario’s way to finish him off. Finally, in desperation, Mario jumps on a nearby koopa and hurls it at the Slinky. Lacking a signficant dodging ability, Mario hits his foe square and knocks the Slinky for a loop. The poor metal spring is sent sprawling over itself and gets tangled up in its own coils. Round Two goes to Mario.

Round Three:
The Slinky writhes and twists in agony as it struggles to free itself. Unfortunately it’s pretty much ruined once it becomes tangled. Meanwhile, Mario powers up by bashing his head against a large metal brick (hey, plumbers have never been well known for their astounding intellect). He hits the brick with such force as to instantly grow a fire flower. The fire flower gives Mario just the edge that he needs, because as the Slinky finally untangles itself and clumsily moves toward Mario for the final round, Mario fires a rapid shot of fireballs in its direction. Although the first four don’t seem to have any effect, the fifth one takes the metallic construct down. The Slinky disappears and is replaced by a cluster of gold coins. Mario gathers the coins, gets a 1up, and runs off to see the Princess and to win the game. Round Three and the match go to Mario.

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