Godzilla versus King Kong

Rematch from the poorly-done Toho Studios picture.For what I believe is the second time ever, we have two combatants that have already squared off in a fight to the finish in “real” life. Godzilla and King Kong faced off in a movie appropriately named Godzilla versus King Kong, although their bout was unsatisfying and did not feature a clear winner. The American version of the same film made Kong out to be the winner, but also assumed that every viewer watching the movie had the intelligence of a stone. That movie sucks. I hereby forbid people to mention it and burn my own copy of it (which was given as a gift…I would spend money on Godzilla versus Space Godzilla before I paid anything for that crap. And when I call a Godzilla movie crap, you know it must be really, really bad.)

Round One:
Well, Godzilla and King Kong are having a turf war to determine who is the baddest monster on the block. Problem is, it’s apparent from the beginning that King Kong is a bit outmatched. In reality, they have no reason to be fighting at all. I mean, one is a 20-foot tall gorilla who can be taken down by bullets from a biplane. The other is a 180-foot tall nuclear-powered mutant dinosaur that breathes fire and is all but invulnerable. So the fight goes like this:

Godzilla gives King Kong a nice, sharp kick. Kong goes flying through the air and lands in the Himalayas, dead as a doornail. Round One goes to Godzilla.

Round Two:
Months later, after Kong’s corpse has been left rotting in the mountains, Godzilla wanders across the giant monkey and slips on the body. He falls down, causing massive earthquakes that open up a fissure and send India falling to the center of the Earth. There they awaken the molten rock men who dwell within our planet’s core and dream of world conquest. They emerge, only to be blasted into nothingness by Godzilla’s nuclear breath. Eventually the remaining molten men form into one huge lava man, and it takes all of Godzilla’s skill and cunning (i.e., more fiery breath and a few slowly-performed kicks) to end the threat. Both Tokyo and India are destroyed in the process. Round Two goes to King Kong’s corpse, which proved a minor inconvenience for Godzilla.

Round Three:
Infuriated by the minor delay in his travel, Godzilla unleashes his fiery nuclear breath on King Kong, completely incinerating the remains of the ape. Godzilla, King of the Monsters, wanders off and has a mai tai while waiting for the next invasion of telepathic time-traveling aliens who use three-headed dragons as weapons. Round Three and the fight go to Godzilla. No, I don’t care if anyone was disappointed. How do you think I felt watching the forbidden Japanese film that made even less sense than a mutant cockroach fighting a Power Ranger and a Godzilla that knows kung fu? Or how frustrated I am that Peter Jackson wasted time and money remaking a movie that is still just fine the way it is? Or that Jack Black starred in it? Or that a Discovery Channel poll voted Ronald Reagan the greatest American of all time, in front of folks like George Washington, Ben Franklin, Abe Lincoln, FDR, Thomas Edison, and Henry Ford? No, I don’t give a bloody damn that my end-of-fight caption is now getting longer than the last round in its entirety. And no, I don’t need any medication. I’m going to go find an atomic-powered dinosaur to kill everybody now. Screw all y’all.


One Response to “Godzilla versus King Kong”

  1. Thank you for pointed out the size discrepency between Godzilla and King Kong. That’s an under-reported fact.

    My money was on big G, and I’m glad to see I had better luck here than I do with sports teams.

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