Batman and Robin versus Captain America and Bucky

A couple of spandex-clad men and their erosmenos.Batman and Robin have been here before, and are well-known across America. Slightly less well-known is Captain America and that boy he used to date, Bucky. Well, he didn’t actually date Bucky, per se. Instead, he dragged the kid around with him behind enemy lines in World War II to fight the Nazis. Thanks to his callous disregard for a child’s welfare, America was able to defeat Hitler. Now we’re in the modern day, and Batman and Captain America are planning to exploit their kid sidekicks once again in an attempt to show who is the most dynamic duo of all.

Round One:
In some zany merging of the comic book multiverses, Batman, Captain America, and their respective sidekicks enter a martial arts tournament to determine who is the greatest fighter of them all. Rather than starting off with the small fries, Batman and Cap step up for the first round. They exchange about thirty seconds worth of blows and parries, and determine that they are equally matched. Batman admits that the battle could go on for hours if both sides fight fair. Captain America agrees, and punctuates that point by tossing his shield at Batman. Batman ducks the shield throw and gets ready to duke it out. Before he gets a chance, though, the shield whirls back around and catches him on the back of the head, knocking him to the floor. Cap catches his shield and prepares for the next round. Round One goes to Captain American and Bucky.

Round Two:
Distraught at seeing his mentor floored by Captain America, Robin leaps into the fray. Cap backs off, because he figures having his sidekick beat up a thirteen year-old boy will help him grow up into the American icon he deserves to be. It’s a fairly awkward fight at first, since both boys are gangly teenagers with obviously repressed homosexual urges. The stalemate is broken when Batman himself gets up and surprise attacks Bucky, flooring him. It seems that him getting knocked out was only a ruse. He had prepared for Captain America’s shield throw by putting an extra coating of armor under his cowl. Round Two goes to Batman and Robin.

Round Three:
Before entering the final round, Batman does Captain America the favor of explaining why he managed to get up after the shield toss. After all, they’re all comic book characters here, so the least anyone could do is provide unnecessary exposition to keep everyone up to speed. Captain America prepares to throw his shield again, but Batman reiterates by emphasizing that he’s already prepared to defend against it. Cap tosses the shield anyway, stating that he had prep time, too, and he used that prep time to counter Batman’s prep time by figuring out where Batman wouldn’t be able to armor himself — specifically, the base of the neck.

Unfortunately, you can’t out-prepare Batman. Bruce Wayne took the whole week off from work so he could have prep time for the prep time that Captain America would obviously take to deal with Batman’s normal prep time. And he has one simple solution to anything Captain America throws at him: use Robin as a human shield. Batman grabs his boy wonder and deflects the shield with the kid’s noggin. Then he tosses Robin’s unconscious body at Cap, providing enough of a distraction to open up the most minute of holes in the super soldier’s defenses. That minute hole is all Batman needs to deliver a nerve strike that floors Captain America and ends the fight. Round Three and the fight go to Batman, minus Robin. Also, prep time prep time prep time.

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