Mario versus Tommy Vercetti

Two Italian Stallions battle.Two generations of video game icons collide in this fight. Our reigning champion Mario seems completely unstoppable, and has won three fights on this page. His opponent is Tommy Vercetti, a ruthless killer and psychotic criminal who took over a city in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. He has a massive arsenal and a criminal empire to boot, so he’s going to be one tough cookie to bring down.

Round One:
At the end of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Tommy pretty much had everything made. He controlled a vast criminal empire in Vice City and had just murdered his employers in a gruesome bloodbath that broke his ties with Liberty City’s mob family. However, after doing a bit more research, Tommy has found out that Sonny Forelli was actually a puppet, and that the real person responsible for sending him to prison for fifteen years was none other than Mario, who, being a greasy Italian stereotype, naturally has mob ties.

Now, Tommy has goons and hired guns all over Vice City. He has a massive counterfeit ring and a drug smuggling operation, and could use his resources to suffocate Mario, completely destroying him without ever having to pull a trigger. But Tommy is at his heart a lunatic, and so his solution involves strapping on a flamethrower and rampaging blindly through the streets. This ultimately results in a whopping six-star killing spree, during which the National Guard shows up to stop him. Tommy snags a tank and bribes the authorities, rumbling toward Mario’s home in a Rhino. Round One goes to Tommy Vercetti.

Round Two:
When Mario receives the news, he is needless to say rather upset. But he isn’t angered to the point of irrationality. Instead of going after Versetti himself, Mario sends his number one man…Donkey Kong. (Those who thought I was going to say Luigi should know that he’s too much of a tool to be used as a hatchet man.) Donkey Kong goes marching through the city in his giant mech (which he inexplicably gains at the end of Mario versus Donkey Kong) and meets Tommy’s tank head on. Tommy reacts quickly, sending the tank on a collision course with the DK robot and then diving out of the driver’s seat. If six barrels can take down the giant robot, you’d better believe that tens of tons of metal and the explosive force of artillery shells can pulverize it as well. Donkey Kong perishes in an explosion that can be seen from space, and his last thoughts dwell on the tough questions like, why is he working for his mortal enemy in the first place and, why has Mario undergone such a radical change in character from likable video game character in the last battle to ruthless mob boss? Round Two goes to Tommy Versetti.

Round Three:
Tommy gets off the pavement to see Mario standing over him, arms crossed and tapping his foot. Having used Donkey Kong as an effective diversion to get Tommy out of his tank, Mario proceeds to jump on him. Tommy is pinned under Mario’s considerable bulk, and the “plumber” continues his ruthless bouncing barrage until Tommy is left bruised and half-conscious. Mario then cuts off Tommy’s arms and legs with a chainsaw and ties him to the front of a Buick. He drive through town honking his horn and drawing everyone’s attention to his newest victory while Tommy slowly bleeds out and dies. Then Mario goes off to star in another one of those kid-friendly video games where he pretends to be a wholesome good guy. Kids laugh, parents laugh, and I die a little inside, knowing the sordid truth. Round Three and the Match go to Mario. And everytime Mario wins, God kills a puppy…don’t you feel bad for voting for him now?


One Response to “Mario versus Tommy Vercetti”

  1. This sucks balls

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