You know, it’s been like two months since I posted the poll for this fight, and I honestly can’t tell you why I envisioned these two facing off against one another. Solid Snake is a secret agent badass known for his stealth and infiltration skills as well as his combat capability. Mario is a plumber who runs around a wacky pastel world constantly saving a princess who gets chronically kidnapped. Despite the fact that they both originated on the old NES console, there’s really not a lot to compare between them. I would have been better off pitting Snake against Samus Aran from the Metroid games, but hindight is 20/20 and all…
Snake gets the briefing on his latest mission. He is to perform a search and capture on a regent from an enemy nation who has rejected the offer of peaceful negotiations with the United States. After looking through file footage of the target, Snake peers over the edge of the paperwork and sees his CO Roy Campbell filling out a request to renew his perscription for medicinal marijuana. Well, that explains what’s about to happen…
Naturally, the regent in Princess Toadstool, and Solid Snake must sneak into a castle under heavy mushroom guard and capture her. Security is heavily beefed up, because it’s been a whole month since the Princess has been captured and as such she’s long overdue for a kidnapping. Despite these precautions, Snake slips into the ventilation system, which is conveniently human sized and leads him right to the throne room. When no one is looking he drops down and grabs her, putting a hand over her mouth to stifle a scream. Princess Toadstool faints dead away.
Did I say that the ventilation shaft was big enough for one person? I meant that it was big enough for two, because Snake exits the same way that he entered, without alerting a single guard. However, he hasn’t counted on Mushroom Kingdom’s secret weapon…
Snake makes it all the way to the border, and is just starting to feel confident in his success when he is knocked down from behind as a short plump Italian plumber jumps on his head and snatches Toadstool away.
“What the hell?!” Interrobangs Snake.
Mario turns to face his opponent, ready for a fight. Round One goes to Mario for somehow outstealthing the great Solid Snake.
An air of tension settles over the battlefield as the two combatants size one another up. Eventually that tension is broken by the happy slappy Mario theme song, to which Snake has to ask again, “What the hell?” Snake pulls out his SOCOM pistol and spends a moment trying to figure out whether he should shoot the plumber or just kill himself and escape from this drug-induced eight-bit fantasy realm. When he finally aims the gun at Mario, the plumber gets a confident smile on his face, as though he has looked down the barrel of a gun dozens of times.
“Look, buddy, just step away from the Princess and you’ll live to tell the tale,” says Snake
Mario ignores the warning and jumps three times in his most threatening manner. Finally, Snake shoots as Mario. The plumber prepares to jump over the slow-moving bullet, only to discover that it doesn’t move slowly across the screen but rather faster than the speed of sound. The bullet cuts into Mario’s lungs and he shrugs his shoulders, flies into the air, and disappears. Round Two goes to Solid Snake.
Snake decides to have a congratulatory smoke for a job well done. He takes a long puff of the cigarettes that he swallowed and then crapped out this morning, not noticing that Mario has started his second life and is now powered up into Super Mario. The plumber B-runs straight for Snake, but the super soldier notices the change in the music and spins around. He tries to aim at Mario, but…the little guy is just moving so fast! He fires and Mario dodges, this time knowing not to jump at the bullets. Mario continues his rapid movement, but remains unable to close in on Snake. Suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, Snake keels over and dies. It seems that he’s forgotten that the cigarette he’s smoking takes away from his health bar. While every cigarette takes a day off a normal person’s life, it takes like 50 years off of poor Snake’s life. I guess that’s what you get when you have all recessive genes. (Note: I, unlike the creator of Metal Gear Solid, know what recessive genes are. But I’m not going to let that ruin my joke.)
Mario grabs the Princess, runs home, jumps for the flag pole, and gets a whopping nine fireworks. Round Three and the match go to Mario.