The Flash versus Carrie Cole

The fastest people alive.There are actually three Flashes. Back in the 40s, there was Jay Garrick, who somehow managed to keep a secret identity despite the fact that his costume was a frisbee on his head. Then there was Barry Allen, who came up with the red spandex costume that looks so very lame. Finally, there was Wally West, who started as Kid Flash and then became the regular Flash after Barry bit the dust. Now Barry’s back and…oy vey. It doesn’t matter which one we’re using in this fight, because they all have the “super” power of running really fast. Then there’s my friend Carrie, who also runs really fast but also has several other super powers. Her appearance marks the first time I’ve used a real person in any of my fights (well, a real person that I’ve met…I have a suspicion that George Bush and Christopher Walken are also real).

Round One:
I don’t like the term “rip-off,” so we’ll consider this fight an “homage” to the old comic tradition started back in the Golden Age of comics. To determine who is the fastest being in existence, the Flash and Carrie are going to have a race around the world. First person to circumnavigate the worl ten times is the winner. Seriously, they did this story all the time in the comics between Superman and the Flash. I guess writers felt like they had to make the Flash even more useless by suggesting that Superman might be as good or better than him in the one thing he does.

At the drop of the flag, the Flash is off an running faster than the speed of sound. Carrie, on the other hand, looks down at the back of her knee, and her curiosity is piqued. Slowly reaching a finger to the back of her knee and bending her leg, she gives a yell as she realizes that she pinched her finger in her knee. Nothing in the world can explain why she thought it would be a good idea to for her to try this, and nothing can explain why she will inevitably do it again, but while she is tending to her injured finger, the Flash laps her. Round One goes to the Flash.

Round Two:
Shaking off the pain, Carrie preps herself to take off running. However, just as she’s about to get off and running, she realizes that she has a trombone recital, trapeeze class (yes, she takes trapeeze classes), a paper due, and has to meet Sarah and I for lunch on top of all that. She leaves the race for a bit so that she can run off to do all of these things at once. Moving at a pace exceeding the speed of light, Carrie creates echoes of herself around the world to finish their appointed tasks. While she’s at it, she also travels to China where she saves a baby who is trapped in a burning tree. Finally returning to the race, she finds that the Flash is on his last lap around the world. Round Two goes to the Flash, who has what seems to be an insurmountable lead.

Round Three:
With no time left to waste, Carrie takes off at top speed in hopes of pulling off an amazing comeback. Unfortunately for the world as we know it, Carrie’s top speed exceeds the speed of light and everything else that science has even attempted to quantify. She manages to overtake the Flash and finish the race, but the resulting shockwave causes the Flash’s head to explode. (Don’t worry; they can always get a new one, as I’ve pointed out above.) The shockwave also causes some really weird things to happen around the planet. First every man, woman, and child devolves into ape-like creatures. Then all the volcanoes on the planet detonate at once. Then Jim Carrey gets a real acting career. Yeah, it’s the apocalypse. Seeing the damage that she has inadvertently caused, Carrie reverses course and speeds around the world once again, traveling back through the time barrier (or some pseudo-science like that) and fixing most of the damage that she caused. A few of the weird ass things that happened remain the same; the Flash is still dead and the Red Sox won the 2004 World Series. But the important thing is that the world is saved, even though our savior is the same person who put us in danger in the first place. And, with the Flash dead mere inches away from the finish line, Carrie wraps up the race at a much slower (but still incredibly fast) pace, safely finishing the race and winning the title of fastest person in the universe. Round Three and the fight go to Carrie.

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