The Z Fighters are uber powerful anime characters from the extremely long series Dragonball Z, while the X-Men are a group of mutant superheroes from the extremely large franchise of the same name. Since both teams have too many members for me to care to write about, the fight will be narrowed down between the following eight contestants:
Vegeta versus Wolverine (again…and this time I won’t cop out of it like I did last time)
Krillin versus Professor Xavier
Gohan versus Rogue
Goku versus Cyclops
The fight will follow the same rules as the Knights of the Dinner Table versus the Fantastic Four battle that I did some time ago.
Round One: Vegeta versus Wolverine
These two have already fought before in a battle that turned out to have a rather disappointing ending in which my bad mood ruined the day for all. So now Vegeta and Wolverine are out to finish one another off and claim a real victory. Wolverine charges at Vegeta, waving his claws and hoping to catch the saiyan off guard. Vegeta responds by moving behind Wolverine faster than even his eyes can detect and vaporizing him with a simple blast. Wolverine’s indestructible skeleton hobbles around comically for a few moments before the flesh starts to regrow because of Wolverine’s ridiculous popularity…er, healing factor. While Wolverine is healing up, Vegeta tosses him into the sun with his ridiculous role in a contrived plot…er, his sheer saiyan strength. Round One goes to the Z Fighters.
Round Two: Krillin versus Professor Xavier
For a while neither combatant can see one another as the sun reflects blindingly off of their bald heads. So instead of fighting one another, they trash talk and growl at each other in typical DBZ fashion for hours until the sun goes down and their vision clears. Then Krillin begins powering up…
Minutes pass. Krillin is still powering up.
Hours pass. Krillin continues to focus his ki.
Days, months, and years pass. Krillin is still powering up. The animators get paid by the episode, so this could take literally forever. Xavier decides to just leave. Round Two is a non-round and counts as a draw.
Round Three: Gohan versus Rogue
The two warriors float through the skies, each taking stock of their opposition. When the battle begins, Gohan finds himself holding back for two reasons. First of all, he has a bit of super hero envy, having spent some time as a costumed crime fighter himself. Second of all, he’s not exactly all that good around girls…
Rogue uses this to her advantage as she gets close to Gohan and prepares to touch him and absorb his powers and memories to use them against the bigger and stronger saiyan force. She almost has a lock on him and takes her glove off to touch him when Gohan throws a sample punch, just to see how tough this lady is. However, since he’s a ridiculously powerful creation of Akira Toriyama and thus can knock out galaxies with a solid hit, he doesn’t realize his own strength. Rogue gets a fist to the face and for a second beams in pride as she feels Gohan’s strength start to syphon into her. However, since her head is turned into a fine red mist in that same second, her happiness and her heartbeat are short-lived. Round Three goes to the Z Fighters.
Round Four: Goku versus Cyclops
Goku stands around for a while in typical saiyan fashion, letting his opponent lay into him. Unfortunately, Cyclops isn’t exactly the paragon of power. His optical blasts seem to have no effect on Goku’s imposing form whatsoever.
“Fifty years of mutant powers and all I can do is shoot lame looking lasers out of my eyes! Jesus Christ, Wolverine gets his own series and gets to fight Galactus, and Patrick Stewart plays Professor X in the movies. And I’m stuck with a bad haircut and red lines coming from out of my friggin’ eyes!”
Sensing that his student is feeling rather disheartened with himself, Xavier moves into battle and tries to set Goku’s brain ablaze with the Professor’s amazing telepathic powers. Unfortunately, while Goku may be ultra-powerful, he doesn’t have much of a mind, and Xavier is shocked to find that Goku is controlled not by an actual brain but rather a bundle of nerves that send him only the messages of “FIGHT!” or “EAT!” Goku decides to eat and devours the Professor, not being smart enough to know the difference between a bald man in a wheelchair and a chocolate sundae.
“That’s it, I’m outta here.” Cyclops beats a hasty retreat.
Years later, we discover that Cyclops was not totally ineffective, and that the massive doses of ultraviolet radiation from his eyebeams gave Goku skin cancer. So technically it’s a win for Cyclops, who kills Goku in the end, but it’s too much of a belated victory to assume that he would stand a chance against Vegeta, Krillin, and Gohan. Round Four goes to the X-Men, but the fight goes to the Z Fighters.