Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie versus Ecks and Sever

Yeah...I dunno, either.Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie are a pair of British men who are way too talented for their own good. In addition to having a number of excellent performances together (including the two TV series A Bit of Fry and Laurie and Jeeves and Wooster), they have also had a number of accomplishments individually, ranging from Hugh Laurie starring in the TV series House to Stephen Fry’s book of poetry, The Ode Note Taken. Too damned talented for my liking. This fight was going to be a match-up of British versus American comic duos. But I really don’t know any recent (good) American comic duos besides Penn and Teller, who I don’t feel like using right now. So instead, I’m going to the realm of bad action movies and hiring the assassins Ecks and Sever (from the movie Ballistic: Ecks versus Sever) to kill these two. Let’s see you get your way out of that, funny men.

Round One:
Ecks and Sever get all crack and secret as crack secret agents, and go hunting down Fry and Laurie. However, those two Brits are very good actors, and can change their mannerisms quite easily. Want an example? Take a look at Hugh Laurie on House. Then watch Stuart Little. I dare you.

With Fry and Laurie essentially in cognito, Ecks and Sever have a heck of a time actually identifying their foes. When they get bored with stalking around the streets of England, they do what action movie clich├ęs have taught them to do: they have an assassin’s duel and try to kill themselves. Of course, since they’re both pretty incompetent as actual assassins, they mostly just blow cars and buildings up without even coming close to actually killing one another. Round One goes to Fry and Laurie.

Round Two:
Once Ecks and Sever realize that killing each other isn’t going to finish the job, they go back to hunting down Fry and Laurie. Eventually, they find the pair, and get ready to take them on. But being British gentlemen, Fry and Laurie manage to work up a conversation with the two assassins before the bullets start flying. Using their superior linguistic skills (there are no words like “sammich,” “sumbitch,” or “Mormon” in England), they manage to convince the killers to see their side of things. Thus, completely befuddled by clever talking and bad teeth, Ecks and Sever put down their weapons and head on their way. On the way out, Stephen Fry slips Sever a fiver to shoot Ecks in the back of the head. Round Two goes to Fry and Laurie.

Round Three:
Following up on her bribe, Sever shoots her partner in the back of the head, ending both their business relationship and their rivalry. Once Sever is alone, Fry and Laurie descend upon her like a pack of rabid lemmings. They show exactly why Great Britain was once the largest empire in the world: they fight dirty. Pulling hair, biting, scratching, the whole nine yards. The biting in particular is painful, because the crooked teeth tear through flesh like rusty serrated blades. Once Sever succumbs to her injuries, Fry and Laurie feast upon the corpses of their fallen enemies. For it is only through devouring the hearts, livers, and brains of their younger competition that these two talented actors stay on top. I tried to warn everyone about what kind of monstrous creatures they are, but not one listened. One day, it will happen to you. You’ll wake up and get jumped by a ravenous roaming gang of actors that are too talented for their own good. And as they’re tearing you in two to feast on your innards, maybe you’ll think back to this fight and realize that I wasn’t so crazy after all. Round Three and the fight go to Fry and Laurie.

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