Peter and Lois Griffin versus Homer and Marge Simpson

How did these two great shows both fall apart so badly?Here we have a pair of pairs, each belonging to cartoon shows that were once funny and now are past their prime. Peter and Lois form the parental unit of the Griffin family, the focal point of Family Guy. Family Guy had an excellent four-year run (seven if you count the years the series spent on hiatus) before beginning a painful downhill slide. The Simpsons, by comparison, lasted nearly ten full years before beginning to fall apart, but has now become absolutely painful to watch (although, based on ratings, most of America disagrees with me on both points). So this fight is a nice chance for me to showcase two TV shows that I used to love but which have become a black hole of suck since.

Round One:
The first round deals with Peter taking on Homer. It’s not too hard to get these big fat stupid guys to fight; I just have to throw a pie into the center of the ring and tell them that the winner gets to eat. Unfortunately, I’m pretty poor, so I don’t have money to waste on a pie. So it’s really just a black and white picture of a pie printed out on the laser printer at work. Please don’t tell my boss about it; I’m already skating on thin ice after what the folks in my office quietly refer to as the Hoop Skirt Affair.

Anyway, this ruse wouldn’t work against the Peter or Homer of old, since they didn’t begin as complete idiots right out of the box. But as both shows have progressed, the characters’ respective IQs have dropped significantly. The end result is that both characters are essentially mindless puppets, driven by whatever the plot (or, in the case of this fight, lack thereof) demands. Fight they must, and fight they shall.

Peter gets the early advantage, since his combat skills have been honed on the giant yellow chicken who pops up to fight him every few episodes. He’s also one of the few people in the world who has more body mass than Homer, and he’s driven by good old fashioned New England Rageahol(TM). Homer takes quite a beating, but doesn’t go down. My Simpsons continuity sense tells me that he’s got some sort of fluid buildup on the brain that prevents him from being knocked out. And, since Peter is only a little lighter than a manatee, he tires pretty quickly. As Peter tires, Homer kicks him in the knee. This causes Peter to collapse and gasp in pain for several hours. Homer shrugs his shoulders and walks over to tag off with Marge. Round One goes to Homer and Marge Simpson.

Round Two:
While Lois waits for Peter to tag her, Marge enters the ring. Peter is still griping about his hurt knee, and will continue to do so until the commercial break — which never comes, since we’re not on TV. Much to Lois’s frustration, she’s left waiting in the corner while Marge has a chance to end the fight right now. Marge doesn’t finish Peter off, though. She’s barely got a hostile bone in her body, unless you really tick her off — and she doesn’t really know Peter yet. So instead of finishing the fight, she bakes Peter a delicious blueberry pie. Finally, bored with waiting, Lois steps into the ring and whacks Marge upside the head with a folding chair, knocking the blue-haired freak into next week. Round Two goes to Peter and Lois Griffin.

Round Three:
Seeing his wife in peril, Homer jumps back into the ring. But before finishing the fight off, he notices the blueberry pie Marge was making. He says, “Mmmm…pie…” and makes the trademark drooling noise that has turned him into an American icon. And while he’s busy eating pie, Lois pounds the crap out of him with her folding chair, while Peter takes out Homer’s kneecaps with a set of golf clubs. Again, Homer would normally be smart enough to avoid this fate, but The Simpsons has been on for decades, and Homer’s IQ has dropped exponentially every season. By now, he’s got the brain waves of a small shrubbery, or maybe a rock. Those brainwaves are even further decreased thanks to the head trauma Peter and Lois give him. Round Three and the fight go to Peter and Lois Griffin.

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One Response to “Peter and Lois Griffin versus Homer and Marge Simpson”

  1. […] Peter and Lois Griffin versus Homer and Marge Simpson – This is a fictionalized account of what a pie laden wrestling match between the two couples would be.  It’s well written and just as odd as you’d think it would be.  Happily it contains this: Here we have a pair of pairs, each belonging to cartoon shows that were once funny and now are past their prime. Peter and Lois form the parental unit of the Griffin family, the focal point of Family Guy. Family Guy had an excellent four-year run (seven if you count the years the series spent on hiatus) before beginning a painful downhill slide. The Simpsons, by comparison, lasted nearly ten full years before beginning to fall apart, but has now become absolutely painful to watch (although, based on ratings, most of America disagrees with me on both points). […]

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