Max Payne versus Solid Snake

Some good ol' ultra violence with these two.In one corner we have Max Payne, star of the video game…Max Payne. He’s a film noir detective who pays homage to both the classics such as Sam Spade and the action heroes of today such as Chow Yun Fat. He’s addicted to pain killers and is armed with tricks such as limited bullet time action sequences and two gun mojo. In the other corner we have Solid Snake, the Alaskan super soldier from the Metal Gear games. Snake is a bioengineered killing machine, skilled at all the arts of the war. He killed his best friend with his bare hands on a mine field, and has taken on the massive nigh-indestructible mech known as Metal Gear on more than one occasion.

Round One:
The paper glared at me menacingly…

“Max, you’re on the Screamsheet’s fights page.”

Suddenly it was true. I saw my life condensed into three rounds of bloody descriptive passages. I found myself fighting a fictional construct of an opponent for no reason other than the fact that the man in charge thought that the matchup would be “cool.” My every action relied on a handful of people voting on the results of the fight online. I got the sudden paranoid feeling that people were tuning in weekly to laugh at my pain.

I was on the Screamsheet’s fights page. Funny, it was the worst thing I could imagine.

While Max Payne is wandering around his tortured psyche, he doesn’t notice Solid Snake sneaking up behind him, moving in for the kill. Just as the cold professional soldier is about to finish off his new assignment and go back to fighting Metal Gear, Max Payne hears footsteps coming up from behind him. He returns to the real world and turns around to see…

“Huh…just a box.”

Solid Snake breathes a silent sigh of relief as Max Payne turns away from the cardboard box that he hastily placed over himself as the perfect hiding place. No one ever suspects the box…

As Solid Snake gets back up and prepares to snap Max Payne’s neck in the man’s own apartment, Max Payne stops and turns around.

“Wait a minute…I don’t own a box…”

A gun fight breaks out as Max Payne drops into bullet time and dives away from Solid Snake while firing a pair of pistols. Snake drops his box and dives around the corner, barely managing to escape the barrage of bullets that Payne unleashes on the soldier. Round One goes to Max Payne for seeing through the flimsy disguise of Solid Snake’s walking box.

Round Two:
Max Payne continues firing his barrage of ammunition. Eventually, Payne’s meter runs out and Solid Snake fires a barrage of his own. One of the bullets hits Max Payne. Although Payne still has some of his energy bar left, he is knocked through a plate glass window that just happens to be in his apartment. Max falls to the ground below, and Snake dives out after him. While Max is spending precious seconds switching guns, Snake catches him off guard with some unarmed attacks. Although he has been sent to kill Max Payne, he has a soldier’s code of honor to live up to and plans on meeting Payne on his own terms. But while Max usually relies on guns and bullet time photography, Snake is trained in all of the martial arts, and Payne is on the brink of defeat when he is knocked into the pharmacy across the street from his apartment. In desperation, Max grabs all of the painkillers that he can find.

“The pills would help hold back the pain.”

Snake is surprised by the Payne’s sudden dash for the painkillers, and even more surprised when he sees that the pills seem to be making him healthier. Snake suddenly realizes that the pills will take a while to come into effect, and redoubles his attack. Round Two goes to Solid Snake.

Round Three:
Solid Snake hits a badly beaten Max Payne out of the pharmacy and into a conveniently placed mine field in the store’s parking lot. (Okay, so it’s not so convenient for the people who choose to park there…) Snake’s eyes flash as he realizes that this is similar to the place where he killed his best friend with his bare hands. Snake pauses to consider the symmetry of the situation and begins to embark on a cheesy monologue. Unfortunately for Solid Snake, we haven’t gone into a cut scene, so while he’s giving his monologue, Max Payne is reloading his gun. The pain killers take effect and boost Payne’s strength, and Max leaps into the air in bullet time. He leaps over Snake, spins in the air, and then fires a sawed off shotgun into Snake’s face. Snake, caught off guard by the blast, is knocked onto a mine and killed in the explosion. While chunks of super soldier are falling all around him, Max Payne twirls the shotgun in his hand once and strikes a badass pose before bullet time ends. Round Three and the match go to Max Payne.


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