Bill and Ted versus Sonny and Cher

ROCK ON!!!Possibly more American the baseball and apple pie is time travel and rock and roll. At least, that’s the way it should be. (I’ll pretend not to realize that many great rock bands were actually British.) As two teenage rockers who travel through time and space in a magic phone booth, Bill and Ted embody these ideals and fit in perfectly with everything else on this web site. They’ll be pitted against Sonny and Cher, who are not as weird on the cosmic level but are a much more mundane brand of bizarre. We’ll see which will prevail: time travel and electric guitars or LSD and promiscuity.

Round One:
Bill and Ted have run into legal trouble from the Doctor of Dr. Who, who is ticked off that they stole the idea of a time-traveling telephone booth from him. He offers one chance at an out-of-court settlement: Bill and Ted need to travel back in time and eliminate Sonny and Cher, who the Doctor has a personal grudge against from another unmentioned adventure. The rock duo then rockets off in the telephone booth and winds up crashing Sonny and Cher’s 1970s comedy hour, distrupting their act. Having forgotten why they were sent there in the first place, Bill and Ted immediately start hitting on Cher and rocking out on air guitars. Their air guitars are no match for Sonny’s real guitar, which he breaks over Bill’s skull. Round One goes to Sonny and Cher.

Round Two:
With Bill staggered by the blow to the head and the pair standing in front of an angry crowd of Sonny and Cher’s fans, things look pretty grim. The musicians decide to settle things in a civilized manner, though. That means one thing and one thing only: a rock duel. Picking up real instruments, each of the two sides starts rocking out, with the crowd serving as the deciding factor. Ultimately, Bill and Ted win out. After all, they are a rock duo whose music forms the entire basis of a distant-future utopia, while Sonny and Cher are destined for congress and a mediocre acting career. With the crowd neutralized, Bill and Ted prepare for the final round, facing Sonny and Cher on equal footing. Round Two goes to Bill and Ted.

Round Three:
The fight then breaks down into a different kind of music duel. This time, taking a page from Sonny’s attack earlier, the musicians grab instruments off the stage and start accosting each other, wielding guitars and cymbals as though they were swords and shields. With the crowd now cheering them on, Bill and Ted have more than a slight edge in youth and enthusiasm. Finally, they deliver the coup de grace by tilting their telephone booth over and landing it right on top of Sonny and Cher. Bill and Ted then perform an impromptu concert before righting their time machine, wiping off the splatter from Sonny and Cher, and then jetting back to the future. It was the best episode of The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour ever. Round Three and the fight go to Bill and Ted. Cue the air guitars.

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