V versus Batman

One is anarchy. Another is vengeance and the night.V, the main character of the comic book V for Vendetta, is an anarchist from an alternate timeline. In a world where Britain became a facist state, V fights to overthrow the government, and is often just as frightening as the corrupt forces that he battles. He was horribly scarred by government experimentation and wears a Guy Fawkes mask which looks awfully damned creepy when he’s stabbing people to death. Batman is well-known hero who has recently finally had a couple of decent movies made about him in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, and has been a star of comics, television, and film for decades.

Round One:
Because of some sort of quantum space-time dimensional flux molecular portal distortion ray, V finds himself mysteriously transported from the fascist British empire of his universe to gloomy Gotham City. If V notices this shift in reality at all, he doesn’t let on. After all, he is still crazy as a loon and there still are a large number of villains to get stabby with, so he’s pretty happy. After a few days of Gotham’s underworld turning up dead, however, resident Dark Knight Batman is not happy at all. After all, he has his code against killing (which he conveniently forgets from time to time, especially when his partners wind up dead as a result of his actions). Also, making the lives of criminals in Gotham is his job, and he defends his copyrights very zealously. Therefore, the Caped Crusader begins a new crusade: hunting down and bringing in this mysterious V fellow.

Batman eventually arrives on the scene only to discover that his bat-senses are getting a little slow in his old age and that Robin is already there attacking V in one of Gotham’s alleys. While V generally does not kill decent people, he also does not appreciate being assaulted by boy-toys in shockingly yellow tights. Just as Batman arrives on the scene, V hurls a knife right into the front of Robin’s skull. The Boy Wonder drops deader than Howard Dean’s shot at the presidency.

Batman stifles a yawn and tries to act angry. “Oh, you…you bastard. You killed my partner. That’s never happened before, and it’s certainly not getting old or anything…”

V then punches Batman in the head and runs off into an alley. Round One goes to V.

Round Two:
While Batman could run after V or swing in front of him with a bat-rope on the rooftops, he goes with the most stylistic option: the kickass Batmobile. While I realize that the Batmobile from Batman Begins has never appeared in the comics, I’m going to use it here anyway because it does happen to be the coolest four-wheeled vehicle in creation. So Batman goes hopping from rooftop to rooftop in his kickass car, causing several million dollars in property damage along the way. As a result of his destruction, property taxes in Gotham will go up again this year. More people will have a harder time making ends meet, and those that don’t turn to crime as a quick way of supporting their families will borrow money from the mob. Because of the spike in crime rates and a rapidly diminshing city budget that is being spent on things like antidotes to the Joker’s laughing gases and power to the Bat-signal, the under-funded and largely corrupt Gotham police force will have nowhere to turn but Batman, keeping the Caped Crusader firmly in place as Gotham’s savior. The system continues to work.

Eventually, Batman tracks V down and runs the poor bastard over. V rolls right over the top of the Batmobile and falls into the gutter. His Guy Fawkes mask skids away, shattered by the collision. Round Two goes to Batman.

Round Three:
Batman steps out of his car, moving slowly and purposefully toward the prone V. V, scarred and even more stark raving mad underneath the mask, goes on ranting about what the government did to him, how anarchy is the oly true answer and the only real freedom, and so on and so forth. Batman is used to dealing with lunatics, and just pulls out the bat-cuffs for another routine arrest by the crazed vigilante who apparently has police authority in Gotham. Batman cuffs V and hauls his ass off to Arkham Asylum. However, since Arkham’s security is about as well-funded as Gotham’s police force, V is out within days, his mask repaired and his mind as clear as it ever gets for him. Rather than worry about Batman, he goes about trying to overthrow an obviously corrupt society the only way he knows how. He decides to strike at the richest and laziest man in the city, Bruce Wayne, whose vast riches could be spent making Gotham a utopia if it wasn’t for the fact that he squanders his money on Bat-toys and bondage gear. V goes the traditional Guy Fawkes route, and stuffs a bunch of dynamite underneath Wayne manor. It’s pretty easy to do, since there’s a huge cave underneath the place. Naturally Batman, being the world’s greatest detective, immediately notices that there is a metric fuckload of dynamite piled high in the Batcave. He’s about to evacuate when Robin, reanimated as a zombie by the power of plot device, lights the fuses and sends the whole place, with Batman inside of it, off in a fiery explosion that can be seen from space. His purpose complete, the quantum space-time dimensional flux molecular portal distortion ray doodad wears off and sends him back to wacky alternate universe fascist Britain. Round Three and the fight go to V.

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