Skeletor and Panthor versus Gandalf and Shadowfax

Now Middle Earth will be mine!!!Yeah, I used to watch He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? Masters of the Universe is one of my favorite toy/comic/TV franchises of all time, despite much of it not being very good. My favorite character from that franchise is Skeletor himself, who serves as the main antagonist to the Masters of the Universe. Skeletor is this awesome wizard-warrior thing who has a skull for a head and is constantly scheming to unlock the secrets of Castle Greyskull. Sure, none of his schemes ever work, but that’s the way of things when you’re a villain on a kid’s show. Skeletor also happens to be a very complex character, but I’ll go into details on that at another time. Character motivations and intricacies don’t have much of a place in the illogical universe that is this fights page. Facing off against Skeletor and his animal companion Panthor is Gandalf and Shadowfax. Gandalf has been on this fights page before, and even had a brief reign in the Contest of Champions. Shadowfax is the horse-prince of Middle Earth, and serves as the companion to Gandalf. No man could tame him, but he allows Gandalf to ride him out of choice.

Round One:
Skeletor has decided to try a change of pace. Instead of going after He-Man, he figures he’ll have more success by taking on the polar opposite of a super-strong barbarian: a decrepit old wizard. Using some sort of space-time portal…thing, he travels to Middle Earth, where he hopes to steal Narnya, the Ring of Fire from Gandalf. A powerful sorcerer himself, Skeletor challenges Gandalf to a mage’s duel. Gandalf accepts, but is caught by surprise when he sees the type of magic Skeletor wields. The old wizard is considered a mighty mage in Middle Earth because he can do creative things with fireworks and create a burst of light. Skeletor, on the other hand, and take control of men’s bodies and fire intense magical blasts that leave men burned to ashes. He catches Gandalf with one of these blasts, and leaves the wizard stunned while he seizes Narnya and claims quick victory. Round One goes to Skeletor and Panthor.

Round Two:
Seeing that his master is in danger, the horse-prince Shadowfax rushes to Gandalf’s rescue. With blinding speed, he surprises Skeletor and kicks the Ring of Fire away from him. Skeletor draws his sword to keep Shadowfax at bay, and then whistles for his own companion: the giant cat Panthor. Shadowfax is very fast and has razor-sharp hooves, but is still outmatched against a giant panther in full war barding. Realizing that discretion may be the better part of valor, Shadowfax beats a hasty retreat, grabbing Gandalf’s robes in his teeth and pulling his master to safety along the way. Round Two goes to Skeletor and Panthor.

Round Three:
Realizing that he’s won the day, Skeletor cackles with evil glee.

“Now I have the power,” he shouts in his most over-the-top moment of villainous glory ever.

Skeletor picks up the ring and is about to put it on his finger when Gandalf returns.

“It’s no use, fool,” shouts Skeletor. “I’ve won!”

“Yes,” says Gandalf sadly. “And therein lies the problem.”

“What do you mean?”

Clearing his throat, Gandalf reaches into his pack and takes out some scrolls he found buried in the libraries of Gondor. These are no ordinary scrolls, though. They are contracts, written up by Mattel and signed by Skeletor himself.

“I, the undersigned, of sound mind and body, choose to become a Saturday morning cartoon villain. In doing so, I waive any right to victory of any kind over the forces of good. If victory is at hand, I waive the right to practice any sort of common sense, and will let victory slip away in the most insipid and demeaning way possible.

“It’s all here in black and white,” says Gandalf. “With you signature and everything.”

Skeletor frowns…somehow. He silently curses the day he chose to sign on as a He-Man villain — not for the first time, and probably not for the last time. However, he is obligated to make good on his contract. Instead of wearing Narnya, he swallows the ring, chokes on it, and dies. Panthor drags his master’s body away and goes into mourning. Because Saturday morning is a magical realm where evil always loses to its own incompetence. Round Three and the fight go the Gandalf and Shadowfax.

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