Ryoko versus the Incredible Hulk

Two of my favorite characters...how can I choose?Ah, lovely, lovely Ryoko. The animated beauty from the various Tenchi Muyo! series and movies, Ryoko is the one person that I would try to wrangle into a three-way with my wife…if she really existed. She’s got magic gems on her wrists that make her the most powerful being in the universe if she possesses all three, she has spiky blue hair, and like to walk around naked in baths…Mmmm…

Um, anyway, she’ll be facing off against the Incredible Hulk, who is my favorite literary character ever. Yeah, I said literary…comic books count as literature. The Hulk doesn’t quite have the sex appeal of Ryoko, but he is the strongest being in the world and is so mighty as to be potentially unkillable.

Round One:
Ryoko and the Hulk have no particular reason to fight, unless they desire to compete for my affections. And that’s exactly what they’re doing. Because I said so.

Ryoko runs into a rampaging Hulk, and for some inexplicable reason gets the urge to take on the towering behemoth. She whips out her energy sword and flies over to attack the Hulk, and the two titans clash. Hulk takes a couple of swings at Ryoko, but the blue-haired beauty has the ability to phase in and out. In the Hulk’s bestial mindset, he doesn’t realize that he should hit where she is going, not where she is, so he fails to land a blow. Ryoko in the meantime whips out her nifty ass glowing sword (we’ll call it a “Lightsabre”) and slices into the green-skinned behemoth. The sword strikes true, even drawing blood from the gamma-irradiated beast. But the cuts aren’t lethal, and they only hurt the Hulk. What hurts him makes him angry, and the madder the Hulk gets, the stronger he gets. He proceeds to use this dynamic strength to give Ryoko the finger…he flicks her with his index finger and sends her reeling to the verge of unconsciousness. Round One goes to the Hulk.

Round Two:
Ryoko recovers quickly from the blow and manages to dodge just before the Hulk puts his fist through her head. She uses her many abilities to grow into a giant and tries to smash her enemy, but the Hulk only gets pissed off when he’s knocked into a nearby building. The Hulk gets up, and he and Ryoko stare each other down for a bit. Then my wife Sarah shows up on the scene, running between the two in an attempt to end the madness.

“Stop! He loves both of you equally!”

The two combatant look at Sarah, then at each other.

Then the Hulk throws a punch and Ryoko fires an energy blast. Sarah is caught in the middle and disintegrated instantly. Round Two is a draw…sorry Sarah, but since you’re a pseudo-robot anyway, you can always be rebuilt.

Round Three:
The two titans charge at one another in an attempt to finish each other off. Ryoko hovers above the ground in her charge, but the Hulk slips on some of Sarah’s splattered remains, giving Ryoko the momentary advantage. Ryoko goes in for the kill, but once again the Hulk is night invulnerable. Any cuts she makes in his green hide heal almost instantly. Reeling, the Hulk slams his palms together in a handclap. A creature that can lift mountains clapping his hands together with all his might gives off the same noise as a bomb exploding (trust me on this one), and Ryoko is dazed by the sound. The Hulk throws another punch , knocking Ryoko back and unconscious. He’s about to finish her off when I come running onto the scene, yelling “NOOOOO!!!” and sobbing. The Hulk stops, confused, and Ryoko wakes up to see me cradling her prone body. She falls instantly in love with me (Hey, it can happen! Anyway, cut me some slack; my wife just got exploded!!!), and we go off to live happily ever after. The Hulk stands still, wondering what just happened. As the clouded brain of the man-monster calms down and gives way to the mind of Bruce Banner, he gets the distinct feeling of having won the fight but lost something more… Round Three and the match go to the Hulk, if you can call that winning. Don’t worry Hulk, I still love you…just in a different way.

Now if you’ll all excuse me for a moment, I have to be alone with my Ryoko action figure for a few hours…

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