Calvin and Hobbes versus John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes

Calvin and Hobbes versus Calvin and HobbesCalvin and Hobbes are the main characters of Bill Waterson’s long-running and now completed comic strip. It’s sad that it’s been over 10 years since they’ve appeared in papers, but they are fondly remembered. Facing off against them are their namesakes, John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes. John Calvin is a 16th-century theologian who rejected papal authority, which led to the birth of reformed theology. Thomas Hobbes is a political philosopher whose 1651 book Leviathan set the standard for a rights-based society, which became the basis for government in numerous nations, including the Unites States. They’re old, crusty, and dead for hundreds of years. Not exactly as charming as a six-year old boy and his stuffed tiger, but more influential on society in the long run.

Round One:
This fight will use the indestructible arena concept used in some previous fights, thus providing some structure to the bout. The first round is a matchup between Calvin and his namesake, John Calvin. Eager to get the fight going, Calvin dons the disguise of his greatest and most powerful alter ego: Stupendous Man. The masked avenger sizes up his opponent, who is busy writing some new bit of religious philosophy. He then decides to take down John Calvin in the simplest way the crazed six-year old can come up with: by knocking the Earth out of its orbit, turning the globe upside down, and shaking John Calvin off into space. Alas, Stupendous Man never, ever wins (unless you’re counting “moral victories”). Calvin pushes with all his strength against the surface of the Earth, seeking to knock it out of orbit. Doing so only winds up giving him a pulled muscle. Meanwhile, John Calvin looks up from his writings and decides that anyone wearing the ridiculous getup of Stupendous Man must be a witch. He can’t abide witches at all, and sets aside his writings so he can get a good old fashioned torturin’ and burnin’ going on. Seeing the light of madness in his opponent’s eyes, Calvin franctically flees for the neutral corner, where he tags out with Hobbes just before John Calvin starts shoving hot coals onto the boy’s tongue. Round One goes to John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes.

Round Two:
As soon as Calvin tags out, Hobbes enters the arena. John Calvin takes one look at the tiger and starts backpedaling. He rushes back to his corner and tags out to Thomas Hobbes, who reluctantly enters the arena. Thomas Hobbes is a philosopher, not a wrestler or a tiger tamer. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to be either. Hobbes doesn’t actually eat people on a regular basis — it gives him indigestion. Instead, he just pounces on Thomas Hobbes and decides he wants to roughhouse a little. This doesn’t seem so bad at first, but this is a tiger who plays with Calvin on a regular basis and has more than enough energy to match the hyperactive six-year old. Thomas Hobbes, by comparison, is a crusty old guy. Purely by accident, the tiger Hobbes puts his philospher namesake into traction. Then he realizes that political philosophers aren’t very fun to play with at all. Round Two goes to Calvin and Hobbes.

Round Three:
Each of the remaining fighters enters the arena for the final battle. Thomas Hobbes is incapacitated, which leaves Calin/Stupendous Man and Hobbes teaming up against John Calvin. The religious reformist is still shaking in his boots at the prospect of facing off against a tiger, though. He’s not so worried about the boy, though. Calvin uses the fact that the theolgian is petrified and distracted by Hobbes to remove his Stupendous Man costume, walk up to his foe, and punch him in the pills. John Calvin’s face turns a bright purple, and he falls over. No amount of religious philosophy in the universe is going to shake the fact that God has got to be a sick sadistic bastard to give men those dangly bits that are so easily and painfully crushed.

With the battle over, Calvin and Hobbes go off to build snowmen. The snowmen monstrosities they create are eventually captured, tortured, and burned by John Calvin’s followers, but that’s all after the fight, so it doesn’t count. Round Three and the match go to Calvin and Hobbes.


2 Responses to “Calvin and Hobbes versus John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes”

  1. I loved this post. Loved. Not too strong of a word I hope.

    “People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.” Calvin & Hobbes

  2. Janus Gemini Says:

    watch out for those dangly bits! Calvin and Hobbes always remain Triumphant!!

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