Punch and Judy versus Kermit and Miss Piggy

Puppets versus MuppetsPunch and Judy are a classic puppet duo that have been around since the 16th century. Punch is a child-murdering, abusive lunatic, and Judy is his wife. Naturally, Punch’s role has been toned down over the years for the sake of the children. Kermit and Miss Piggy are muppets who may or may not have been dating for years. For the most part, Miss Piggy is the one who hits Kermit, making the abusive comedy duo and Bizarro version of Punch and Judy.

Round One:
Round One features Punch facing off against Miss Piggy. I know my usual schtick is to pair off the genders, but these two fit together better because of their violent demeanors. Punch gets his hands on the dreaded board with a nail in it, firmly believing that Miss Piggy will take a beating just like his wife. Plus, they get bacon afterwards. Miss Piggy, on the other hand, is armed with a fine array of martial arts training. With one mighty chop, she breaks the board in half before Punch even has time to stick it in her backside. Yelling at the top of her lungs, Miss Piggy then charges into battle, thrashing away with wild abandon. For once, Punch is the one who is left crawling away from the battle. Miss Piggy would grab him by the ankles and drag him back into the fray, but neither of them actually have ankles, as they’re both puppets. So instead the hog goes back to swooning over her beloved Kermit. Round One goes to Kermit and Miss Piggy.

Round Two:
Next, Judy and Kermit face off. Neither of them is as violent as their partner, and in fact neither one seems to want to actually hurt the other. Instead, Kermit and Judy sit down to discuss matters of high politics and religion over a warm mug of tea. Judy is remarkably slow in drinking her tea, and Kermit soon finds out why — she’s laced it with hemlock. Kermit’s skin turns green…er…yeah, greener. He hits the floor and tries to remember his first aid training. However, it’s very difficult to think clearly when there’s deadly poison running through your veins. As he’s trying to remember his first aid ABCs, he chokes and dies. See, I avoided using the pun, “He croaks.” Oh wait…dammit! Round Two goes to Punch and Judy.

Round Three:
Shocked and horrified by her beloved’s demise, Miss Piggy goes to the only emotion that she seems capable of channeling well: seething rage. An angry pig is a very frightening sight to behold. An angry primadonna swine with martial arts training and some dude’s hand up her ass is even worse. Miss Piggy charges in to the fray with blood on her mind. She literally tears apart both Punch and Judy, and devours their corspes. After all, that’s the only way that she’ll get their power…not to mention their raw, still-beating hearts.

With the fight over, the entire Muppet community gathers together to mourn the loss of the beloved Kermit the Frog. Just then, Jesus walks by, on his way to watch a baseball game with Elvis and Mr. T. Although he usually prefers to help those who help himself, his heart is touched by the pleas of the Muppets, and he chooses to help out. Using his fabled healing powers, he brings Kermit to life, and then goes on his way before anyone has a chance to thank him. Unfortunately, Jesus is having an off day, or he’s just upset that the Angels might miss the playoffs or something. While he brought Kermit back to life, he forgot to negate the poison in the frog’s system. So Kermit opens his eyes, and then starts screaming in agony as he suffers through the same horrendous death a second time. But at least Punch and Judy got what they had coming to them courtesy of Miss Piggy, right? Round Three and the fight go to Kermit (posthumously) and Miss Piggy.

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