The Incredible Hulk versus Godzilla

Two angry green monsters.In one corner we have a half ton of hostility, the embodiment of a mentally unbalanced scientist’s rage and the most powerful man-like creature to ever walk the face of the Earth. He was given the moniker of the Incredible Hulk by one hapless soldier who witnessed his earliest appearance, and the name has stuck. In the other corner we have a 400-foot tall monster, awakened after centuries of sleep by nuclear testing to wreak havoc on Japan. Its name is Godzilla. These two mammoth monsters will be facing off against each other for the title of the most powerful green skinned being ever. To initiate the battle, we kidnapped Bruce Banner and dropped him off in Tokyo. This inevitably pissed him off, and it was then easy to lure Godzilla out of hiding, furious that someone besides him was trashing Tokyo.

Round One:
The round starts off well for the green goliath…um, the Hulk. Godzilla’s enormous size is nothing to the Hulk’s massive strength, and the man monster tosses the mythical giant by a toenail, leaping up and smashing him to the ground. He catches Godzilla’s tail, and spins him round and round, tossing him so fast that Godzilla leaves Tokyo, flies across the circumference of the planet, and lands back in Tokyo, dazed. Sure, it’s impossible. But…

It’s comic book physics, people!!! Where else do people get cured of bullet wounds by radiation? Comic book physics rule, and pseudoscience is perfectly allowable on this web page, just as it always has been. Round One goes to the Incredible Hulk.

Round Two:
Reeling from his butt kicking in the first round, the 400 feet of fiery vengeance that is Godzilla stands up, not the least bit happy with what he sees. The green skinned gnat has just given him a bigger whupping than any rubber-suited freak has ever done, and Godzilla is about to make him pay. As the man in the rubber suit, I mean, Godzilla smashes through a bunch of poorly disguised cardboard boxes, um, buildings and skyscrapers, to the bodybuilder in green body paint, um, I mean the Hulk…oh screw it all. Round Two ends up a draw because I just can’t get these cheap special effects off my mind.

Round Three:
Okay now, I’ve had a nice little break from the computer and I can focus now. Amid the screams and cries of Tokyo-ans [!?] (what exactly do you call residents of Tokyo?), Godzilla stomps toward his foe. The Hulk is the epidomy of green-skinned coolness, and stands his ground, ready for the confrontation. Suddenly, Godzilla fires a blast of his radioactive breath (not the crappy superheated air trash found in the pathetic American big lizard movie) at the Hulk, turning everything withing half a mile of the area to molten slag. There’s an eerie calm (well, no, there’s actually about a million Japanese bystanders running and screaming, but wouldn’t an eerie calm be ever so much cooler? If you’re like me and wish to see better scripting and production in the next fight, simply send all of your money to the Screamsheet, care of Charlie Brooks, and I promise that I will consider hiring a staff), and when the smoke clears…the Hulk is still standing.

Yes, even though the radioactive blast had the force of a megaton nuclear bomb, the Hulk stands apparently unphased. Yes, it’s one of those many inconsistancies that spring up in comic books; a few fights ago, the Hulk couldn’t stay three rounds against Darth Vader, now he’s nigh invulnerable…how did he even come back from the dead after his last battle? Well, let’s just say that, um, he has an amazing healing factor and can regenerate from near nothingness?

On second thought, let’s just say, “Because I said so” and leave it at that.

Okay, back to the fight.

Godzilla’s rage is starting to give way to worry, as his attacks seem to have no effect on the Hulk. The Hulk, on the other hand, is only getting angrier. The Hulk hurls Godzilla around and pounds on him some more, then tosses him into the Pacific, trying to drown him.

Ah, poor Hulk. He’s making the same mistake that the writers of the King Kong/Godzilla battle made in assuming that you can drown the great beast. For god’s sake, he’s lived underwater for hundreds of years! (Heh…me bitching about inconsistant writing). The battle lasts for hours, with the Hulk’s strength being tested by Godzilla’s grace in his home environment. Eventually the Hulk has to come up for air, and Godzilla swallows him whole. Round Three and the match go to Godzilla.

If anyone looked at the poll, the voters apparently want the Hulk to win. But come on people, there’s no way I’m letting the Hulk to…wait a minute…

Round Four:
Godzilla, satisfied with his meal, begins heading back to his ocean lair. Suddenly, his gut bursts open as the Incredible Hulk rips free of the monster’s belly. Furious at the burning of the beast’s stomach acids, the Hulk strangles Godzilla with the monster’s own massive intestines. The match actually goes to the Hulk. Yeah there’s not supposed to be a fourth round, but does anyone think I’m stupid enough to tell that to the Hulk?


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