Animal versus the Tasmanian Devil

Better watch it...these guys might just kill us all.The most rabid puppet of all time, Animal made his claim to fame on The Muppet Show as the band’s drummer. He is driven by a love for music and what must be about two tons of crack. The most rabid cartoon character of all time, Taz is driven almost purely on his stomach. I refuse to accept the existence of his dumbass TV show that appeared in the mid 90s mainly because it was stupid and did not do the character justice. He’s driven by eating people who are probably loaded up on crack.

Round One:
The fight starts out with a bang as we unleash the two in our indestructible stadium presented in the last fight. We’ve kept the pair hungry and abused for two straight weeks, and have just given them each other’s scent to make sure that they’re at the height of visciousness. (There’s nothing I love more than pitting two unwitting victims against each other in a death match designed purely for my own pleasure.)

Animal notices the massive crowd and thinks he’s at a rock concert of some sort. Immediately, he breaks into a drum solo. Similarly disoriented, Taz wanders around the arena for a little while before realizing that the drums smell like food. In an instant, Taz devours Animal’s entire drum set. Round One goes to the Tasmanian Devil.

Round Two:
Silence falls over the arena. Animal looks at where his drum set used to be as his blood boils. His cry of rage is soon answered by Taz’s yell of hunger, and the two rabid titans collide. Fur flies as each tries to sink his fangs into the other. Suddenly, Animal comes to the horrid realization that, being a mere puppet, he doesn’t have fangs. Rather than put any sort of fear into the angry muppet’s heart, this fact just enraged Animal even further. In a berserker fury that puts the ancient Viking warriors to shame, Animal mauls Taz. A kick to the gut, a punch to the face, and a haymaker to the groin later, Taz gets knocked off his feet. Animal picks Taz up by his ears and swings him around in the same demeaning manner that King Kong tossed Godzilla in their fight (don’t get me started on that topic). Taz finds himself flying into the wall, and shatters right through the barrier of our stadium (who really thought it was indestructible?). Taz can do little more than lie still and try to recover as a furious Animal bears down on him. Round Two definitely goes to Animal.

Round Three:
Taz staggers to his feet as Animal bears down on him and unloads another can of whupass on him. This time Taz fights back with a new fury in his heart, but deep down he can’t help but feel that maybe it’s time to go hunt down that rabbit instead. Suddenly, inexplicably, Animal passes out from adrenalin shock (or an overdose of crack, but we can’t prove either yet). Taz pauses for a moment, scratches his head, and makes the best out of the situation by eating Animal whole. Round Three and the match go to the Tasmanian Devil, who’s going to be having some serious indigestion soon.

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