Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde versus Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk
This fight stretches the definition of a tag team battle, since each combatant is actually two people in one body. In one corner, we have Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a mild-mannered scientist who transforms into an ape-like murderer. It’s a common misconception that Jekyll needs to drink a serum to transform into Hyde; while that was true at first, he soon began to transform independent of the serum. Hyde has gone through many incarnations, ranging from a small monkey-like monster to a hulking brute. I personally like the original version, but most incarnations have done well with the character. The major exception would be the hideous man in a body suit abomination from the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie, although I’m not to fond of the anal rapist comic version, either. In the other corner in Dr. Robert Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk, who are descended from Jekyll and Hyde. Caught in a nuclear blast, Bruce Banner becomes a half-ton, rage-fueled monstrosity. The transformation pattern changes frequently, ranging from times of stress to cycles of the moon. Most recently, the transformation seems to be almost random. Like Hyde, the Hulk has been portrayed in alternate versions as both a cannibal and a rapist. I’m gonna pretend those portrayals never happened, and focus on the core fighters.
Round One finds the two men of science, Henry Jekyll and Bruce Banner, competing for a government grant. Because the government has long since lost its marbles, the method of competition isn’t based on research, scientific evidence, or educational background. Instead, the person who wins in hand-to-hand combat gets the money. The Bureau on Scientific Research gathers its board members in a massive gladiatorial arena, and places Jekyll and Banner in the center. The two scientists go for each others’ throats, but find that neither of them have any sort of idea how to actually fight. Banner figures to have a slight edge, since he’s a weapons designer and all, but it turns out he’s pretty useless once you take gamma bombs and other unreliable weapons of mass destruction or mutation out of the equation. So what we really have is a pair of gentlemanly scientists slapping each other around like sissies. Both of them are 98-pound weaklings, so neither of them actually do any damage with their blows. The fight quickly becomes so boring that the board of scientists, who are obviously drunk as well as crazy, start booing and throwing garbage into the area. One of them brains Banner with a whiskey bottle, and his eyes start glowing green. Jekyll, on the other hand, has a massive inferiority complex, and doesn’t like being made fun of. He too begins to transform. Round One is a draw.
Hyde and the Hulk emerge from deep within their hosts’ subconscious. The Hulk is a half-ton mass of gamma powered muscle and fury; Hyde is a small monkey-like creature with a nasty disposition. Seeing that he’s not going to stand a chance in a straight-up fight against the Hulk, Hyde goes for a distraction instead. Hyde gestures toward the crowd and points out that the drunken crazy scientific board is making fun of them. Unhappy at being mocked, the Hulk agrees to team up with Hyde against the scientists. This is simply a matter of the Hulk ripping the stadium’s bleachers out and tossing them into the Pacific Ocean. The entire scientific board drowns. Considering their state of mind — or lack thereof — that’s probably a good thing.
When that’s over, Hyde kicks the Hulk in the groin. Round Two seems to go to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
A kick to the groin is generally an effective strategy against an enemy, particularly a male one. However, when you’ve got only slightly more strength than the average human and you’re facing off against someone who routinely shrugs off anti-tank rounds, a kick to the groin isn’t going to do much more than irritate said individual. Hyde bruises his knee on the Hulk’s balls of steel. Unaffected by the attack, the Hulk grabs hold of his foe. Luckily for Hyde, the Hulk is not a bloodthirty savage, and generally doesn’t use excessive force. So instead of ripping Mr. Edward Hyde limb from limb, the Hulk instead gives him “the finger.” This consists of the Hulk flicking Hyde upside the head with one finger, knocking the monkey-man unconscious. Hulk leaps away, and the fight is over.
Henry Jekyll wakes up hours later and postulates that maybe the Hulk’s attack caused him enough brain damage to remove the Hyde personality from his psyche. This is of course a bunch of pseudo-scientific babble coming out of a deranged and desperate mind that is probably high on absinthe. As a result, Dr. Jekyll is made an honorary member of the scientific board that began this fight in the first place. Bruce Banner, on the other hand, is given the grant money, and uses it to build a gamma irradiated casino with blackjack and hookers. Actually, forget that part about the blackjack. And the casino. Gamma irradiated hookers are awesome. Round Three and the fight go to Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk.