Darth Vader versus Christopher Walken
Two of the most ominous people in the universe face off against one another in this battle. In one corner we have this section’s reigning champion Darth Vader, a man-machine of seemingly unstoppable power. His foe will be a man so scary that I’ve balked at every opportunity up to bring him back since his brutal defeat of Daredevil. I love his acting and he’s a fine dancer, but I’m afraid to say his name three times in a row lest I summon him up from some other Hellish dimension.
There’s some sort of proverb that says those in power attracts unwanted attention. Or if there’s not then there should be. Either way, Vader’s nefarious actions have attracted the attention of Christopher Walken. Walken materializes out of Vader’s shadow and attacks. However, the dark Jedi’s attunement to the Force is so fine that he detects Walken. Vader draws his light saber and lashes out, but Walken uses his nimble feet to hop onto the light sword and run down it. Unfortunately for Walken, light sabers are incredibly hot, and he leaps off in pain, even more pissed at his burned toes. Round One goes to Darth Vader.
Since his burned feet are bound to impede his dancing ability, Christopher Walken is understandably upset. The sheer fury that registers on his face is enough to make even Darth Vader think twice before continuing the battle. Instead of keeping things in a melee, Vader retreats to the Death Star, where he tries to eliminate Walken by blowing up the Earth. I know, it happens a lot of times on this page. Anyway, the planet is destroyed yet again, but Vader turns around to see Walken standing right next to him. Walken points out that Vader didn’t actually blow up the Earth but in fact only hit a small model dangling on a string in front of a star background. In fact, that happens to be what has happened in every fight here where the Earth has been destroyed. That’s right, I’m changing it comic book retcon style. Vader pauses at this explanation and scratches his domed head.
“Curious how the ways of the Force are being manipulated here.”
“Actually,” explains Walken, “the Force is nothing but a plot device. The people you strangle with it are actors and the items you grab with it are dragged to you by a fine string.”
“Indeed. Then your demonic powers are useless as well.”
“No, they’re real.” Walken continues to kick the crap out of Vader in the style of the angel Gabriel. Gabriel is just a character in a movie, but Walken is in fact the scariest man of all time and thus can do whatever he wants because he frightens the shit out of all creation. Round Two goes to Christopher Walken.
Vader is only barely conscious of his physical self being tormented to death by Christpher Walken dancing on top of his battered body.
“So my friend, ever been shelled like a peanut?”
In the back of his mind Vader wishes that the powers granted to him by the Force had not been so cruelly dispelled by the breaking of suspension of disbelief as Christopher Walken cracks open Vader’s plastic body armor with the power of his own psychotic mind. Walken proceeds to slurp down Vader’s soul and regurgitates it as a side of caviar for his next appearance as Saturday Night Live’s Continental. Unsatisfied with the meager appetizer, Christopher Walken awaits his next challenger… Round Three and the fight go to Christopher Walken.