Godzilla versus the Big Lizard

I know Godzilla, but who's the dude humping the skyscraper?Godzilla is the greatest B-movie monster ever, a 400-foot tall prehistoric titan awakened by nuclear testing. Over the years, Godzilla has taken the role of hero and villain, smashing Tokyo, fighting King Kong, battling with aliens, and even saving the world. In 1998, the United States got hold of the licensing for a Godzilla movie. They then proceeded to take everything that was good about Godzilla and change it. This weak, pathetic creature is obviously not Godzilla; a bunch of stupid Americans saw it and called it Godzilla. It will henceforth be known as the Big Lizard, and the movie will now be called It Came From Beneath the Sea.

Round One:
Before I begin this fight, I would like to note that, for the first time ever, the poll for this fight came up with one side walking away with 100% of the vote.

Remember at the end of the crappy American “Godzilla?” The part where that one raptor-like Godzilla ripoff was still alive, begging the producers to put a “The End?” at the end of the film? Well that monster has grown to its full power. It has taken a swim to Tokyo, since the American military so soundly thrashed its mommy. Unfortunatly for the Big Lizard, the true Godzilla has recently been awakened once again. And boy, Godzilla is pissed when he finds out about the Big Lizard. I mean, imagine that you sold the rights to your biography, only to discover that Ben Stiller got the part of you? Needless to say, Godzilla cuts a swath of destruction toward the Big Lizard. The creature, sensing a threat, hides in the subway and behind skyscrapers, but you can’t hide from Godzilla. The Big Lizard’s hiding places are exposed as Godzilla stomps each and every one of them in. The Big Lizard, feeling cornered, lashes out and proceeds to get soundly thrashed by the real Godzilla as the military looks helplessly on. Round One goes to Godzilla.

Round Two:
Beaten and bleeding, the Big Lizard attempts to use its superheated breath on Godzilla. This has no real effect on Godzilla, who has taken blows from King Kong, soaked up thousands of volts of electricity, and been bombarded by missiles with little or no avail. Godzilla, sensing how weak his opponent is, shows what a real radioactive breath is and gives a blast of his. This kills the Big Lizard. Godzilla wins Round Two.

Round Three:
Now I realize that these fights normally last three rounds, but the Big Lizard never stood a chance against the man in the rubber suit. No way in hell can that Jurassic Park reject even hurt the real Godzilla. So round three serves as a cleanup round. Godzilla hunts down the Big Lizard’s eggs and eats every last one of them, so that no remnants of the Great American Fuckup of 1998 remains. The rights to Godzilla remain in Japan, where our hero will fight aliens, robots, and three-headed dragons until the day that the Canadians get the licensing for a Godzilla movie. Round Three and the match goes to Godzilla…gawd I love happy endings!


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