Frieza versus the Emperor

Both of you need to shut up and do something productive!In one corner we have the biggest, most powerful windbag of all time. Don’t get me wrong, I think that Frieza makes for a decent villain, but his freaking battle scenes and transformations make me sick. Who needs three goddamned weeks to fight a battle that was supposed to be five minutes? (End rant.) And then we have the dark lord and master of the galaxy. His powers with the Force make folks like Darth Vader and Obi Wan Kenobi looks small. We’re giving the Emperor the Death Star for use in this battle, since Frieza will most likely shrug off any other attack.

Round One:
The fight starts in a galaxy far far away, to make sure our planet doesn’t get obliterated in the battle. Frieza is floating around in space waiting for her…er, his…opponent. In a thunder of musical interlude, the Emperor shows up in his Death Star, ready to obliterate this menace once and for all. Frieza stands watching, mildly amused, as the Death Star opens up with a payload big enough to disintegrate Jupiter. Despite the fact that there is no dust in space, there is a cloud of smoke around Frieza which takes five minutes to clear (yeah…I find it annoying too). The dust clears, and Frieza is standing there as if nothing happened. Unlike the folks in DBZ, the Emperor does not freak out (after all, he’s a cool guy, he’s into universal domination, so he’s gotta be an otaku). Rather, he invites Frieza aboard so that the two may continue their battle face to face. Frieza laughs and agrees.

“I am so gonna kill this schmuck” mutters the Emperor.

Round One goes to Frieza for being ominous in a long, drawn out DBZ sense.

Round Two:
Frieza steps aboard and promises that, for today only, he will fight without using his hands and with only 1% of his true power. Frieza goes on to talk of how much a worthless rat the Emperor, how he has such a pathetically low power level, how great and powerful he is, blah blah blah blah blah. The emperor stands back patiently for the first ten minutes or so of the speech, but even his patience has limits. Frustrated that this windbag won’t shut the hell up, he uses the Jedi mind trick.

“You will shut up and take this like a man.”

Frieza stands for a minute, stunned, then repeats, “I will shut up and take this like a man.” Something in the inner workings of his brain tells him that something fishy’s going on, but then his idiocy…er, warrior’s pride…stifles the notion, telling himself that there is nothing that this insect could do. The Emperor draws a lightsaber and strikes. Now true, Frieza should be able to dodge this with no problem whatsoever, having reflexes fast enough to probably surpass the speed of light, but much to Frieza’s dismay the animators are busy freaking out because they aren’t getting paid by the episode for this fight (that way I can ensure it will go three rounds and not three months). The effect is that no one will draw Frieza dodging, and the Emperor cuts Frieza into four pieces with his lightsaber. Apparently, blades are super sharp against DBZ characters, because even though they can survive planet-destroying attacks, a simple sword will dice them to shreds. And this works out very nicely for the Emperor. Round Two goes to the Emperor.

Round Three:
The Emperor decides that Frieza is dealt with, and orders the body jettisoned into space. But Frieza, being the freaking annoying putz that he is, doesn’t just die when he’s cut into four pieces. His separate body parts get launched into space, but with the last ounce of Frieza’s energy, he takes aim at the Death Star and launches an all-out assault, obliterating the space station. Frieza realizes that he is doomed, but accepts his fate happily knowing that he has destroyed his enemy. He drifts into the sun and is obliterated in a very slow and drawn out way. (Coming soon…Funimation’s dub of Frieza in the core of the sun…an hour and a half long tape where nothign happens at all!)

Unfortunately, Frieza doesn’t know the terms of villain death very well, because he hasn’t seen a body yet. And if there’s no body, that would mean the emperor most likely escaped at the last possible second. Round Three is indeterminable, but I’ll give it to the Emperor. After all, he’s cooler, and he’s not an obsessed imbecile who would kill himself to take out his opponent.

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One Response to “Frieza versus the Emperor”

  1. zacharyrcarson@hotmail.com Says:

    that makes no sense. a lightsaber would not do any damige to frieza. if you want to make an honest comparison you cant favor one side and insult the other. you have to take the true history. weather you like it or not. frieza is vastly superior in every possible way, plus mind tricks wouldnt work on him. if you
    did your research you would no that frieza is extreamly intelegent and has an extrodinarily powerful brain. thtrought dbz he proves his brain is powerful enough to lift up mountains and rocks and he even imprisons goku with his mind. the force mind tricks would not work.

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