Darth Vader versus the Emperor

Give in to your feelings of hatred...This battle marks one of the few times that we have two people who have already battled in their cinematic lives: Darth Vader and the Emperor Palpatine. Vader is the reigning champion on the page, and Palpatine bested Frieza in a previous fight. Everyone knows the outcome of their last battle, however, so I don’t know why I really decided to have them face off again…

Round One:
Aboard the Death Star in the dying moments of the Empire, Darth Vader has turned against his beloved Emperor, having moved toward the side of good just before he perishes.

Since both of these characters have been polluted, Vader by George Lucas’ stupid Star Wars prequels (no, I will not stop bitching about them) and the Emperor in his previous fight on my page against Frieza, then they carry on their impurities by having a half-hour long discussion about who has the higher Midichlorian count.

“Hahaha…my midichlorian count in my most powerful form in over nine thousand!”

“Hahaha…mine is over a million and I can go super saiyan!”

“What the fuck is a super saiyan?”

“I don’t know…but it sure sounds kind of stupid, doesn’t it?”

After coming to this realization, Vader whips out his light saber, causing a sudden burst of panic within the emperor as he realizes that he is rather undermatched for this bout. Round One goes to Darth Vader, who came prepared.

Round Two:
The Emperor allows himself to be backed into a corner, apparently panicked. Just as the massive figure of Darth Vader has him cornered, he gets a wicked grin on his face and lashes out with force lightning. Vader finds himself driven backwards and wracked with pain as the magical bolts of lightning do 10d6 damage to his cybernetic body.

Oh, sorry…I didn’t notice that I had slipped into D&Disms there…let me try to rephrase that.

Um…the bolts do a hella bunch of pain to Vader.

There, that’s better. Round Two goes to the Emperor.

Round Three:
The Emperor cackles with wicked delight as he revels at the sight of his former student cringing in pain before him.

“Now, my old friend…you die!”

The Emperor sends another bolt of sheer electric pain at Vader at the exact moment that the dark Jedi realizes that his masked and plated body is in fact plastic and therefore not a conductor of electricity, mystical or otherwise. In fact, now that he looks at the bolts, they aren’t really lightning at all, but rather crackles of special effects from the early 1980s and therefore nothing to worry about, period. Vader stands up again and draws his light saber, only to realize that the saber is also only a poorly designed lighting effect.

“Hm…intriguing…this technology was amazing twenty years ago…”

Lacking all other options, Vader picks the old decrepid Palpatine up and tosses him into the deepest pit that he can find. Palpatine’s last thoughts are that he should have seen this sort of thing coming. Round Three and the match go to Darth Vader…what the hell else were you expecting?


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