Ultimate Destruction: The Hindu Conspiracy
It started out innocently enough. My friend Nick had stopped by my apartment and I was going to show him my new video game, The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction.
Ultimate Destruction is a very, very fun game. Based off of the Marvel comic book character the Incredible Hulk, the game is written by former Hulk scribe Paul Jenkins and is more or less based on his comic book storyline “Dogs of War.” The tale is a rather intriguing story as Bruce Banner battles his demons from within and without.
But the plot isn’t the reason to like the game. The real reason is because, well, Hulk smashes. He smashes a lot. The game is designed by the same folks who did the video game adaptation for Ang Lee’s movie, but unlike its predecessor, it is actually fun. The annoying thing about the previous game (besides the abject lack of a plot, logic, interesting or challenging game play, or decent graphics) was that, while you could smash just about everything, it was all on such a small scale. The Hulk would fight soldiers and Hulk dogs in a room, then move on to the next area. Wash, rinse, repeat. Ultimate Destruction fixes all of that, moving the Hulk to the large scale that he is intended for. While you start off fighting police men and soldiers, you quickly move on to tanks, helicopters, fighter jets, and giant robots. Moreover, the Hulk can smash just about everything, and can turn a great many things into weapons. You can grab a tank and hurl it over the horizon. You can rip apart a taxi cab and turn it into a pair of boxing gloves. You can knock down the giant hamburger at a fast food restaurant and turn it into a massive bowling ball of destruction. The more you smash, the more points you get, the more moves you buy, and the more incredible the game becomes.
But I’m not here to discuss the merits of this free-roaming, intensely action-driven video game. I’m here to discuss cows.
One thing about the game is that it shows off the Hulk’s power. You can run as fast as a cheetah and smash anything in you path. While showing off this feature to Nick, I inadvertently ran into a cow in the badlands, sending it flying. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but then we noticed that it got up, seemingly unharmed from an attack that stops Mac trucks in their tracks. We decided to experiment with these cows and see how much carnage they could take. I grabbed a cow and carried over to an alleyway in a nearby town and starting pounding the crap out of it with the Hulk’s array of moves. When I was done, the cow was nowhere to be found, so I figured that it was dead. (As it turned out, I had knocked it over the building and sent it flying across town.) But Nick insisted that I find another cow. After all, we were being scientific about this. We needed proof. Science demands a corpse.
So we found some more cows. I used the targeting feature of the game to keep my sites on the peacful creature as I kicked it up and down canyon walls, uppercutted it through a small city, and ultimately punted it clear across the desert. When I finally tracked it down again, it was unharmed.
Continuing the experiment, I picked up said cow and began pounding it into the ground. I tried this in a variety of areas, ultimately causing a fiery explosion and destroying a truck stop when I pounded it against some gas pumps. Again, the cow was unharmed.
By now the army had been mobilized to stop me. I used the cow as a weapon against them, destroying a couple of tanks before some Hulkbuster robots showed up to tangle with me. After dispatching them, I moved back to the cow, which had only mooed plaintively in protest before calmly going back to chewing its cud.
As a final test, I tore apart an oil rig and used it as a golf club to knock the cow all across the desert. The cow once again came away completely unharmed. I used the cow to smash another cow, and although I did apparently pound one of the bovines into the ground, neither one was killed. So all you animal rights folks can relax; the cows survived it all.
In the game, the Hulk can and does kill innocent people, often by accidentally running into them, much like a person crushes ants without noticing or breaking stride. Cows, however, seem impervious to the Hulk’s power. This is a scientific fact, and Nick and I have proven it. So now we must ask ourselves, what does it mean?
I see two possible answers to the question. Either society has a bigger problem with cruelty to animals than it does with cruelty to people, or the creators of the game see the animals as some sort of divine creatures (holy cows, if you will) and the Hulk is meant to be some kind of punishment sent from God himself to destroy the cow-eating culture of man. I see the former as highly unlikely; after all, the video game does acknowledge through the presence of a hamburger joint (whose giant hamburger can be used to crush people) that society does cruelly mistreat cows (off-screen of course). Therefore, the latter conclusion must be true. The creators of Ultimate Destruction are obviously trying to cram their beliefs down our throats with this video game. They are pushing some sort of malevolent Hindu agenda upon us. Moreover, they are placing us in the role of the destroyer of an entire society of meat-eating people.
Personally, I am shocked and appalled by the obvious Hindu agenda promoted by this game. In protest, I am going to play this game over and over again until the disk is scratched up and my video game console burns out. I suggest that everyone do the same. Even better, eat a big fat steak while playing the game to prove that you have not fallen prey to this biased and evil agenda.
I am planning to go before Congress to convince them to apply an Adults Only rating to the game for its obvious terrorist agenda. (I use the word terrorist in that sentence to describe anything that does not fit into the patriotic vision of the flag-waving, gay-hating white American.) Also, I hear that some of the boulders in the desert look suspiciously like breasts.