The Blues Brothers versus the Dukes of Hazzard

Just some good old boys...who are 106 miles from Chicago, have a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, are in the dark, and are wearing sunglasses. Hit it.“Joliet” Jake and Elwood Blues are the Blues Brothers. Born in the Chicago area, they’ve been in and out of jail for years. But when Jake can stay out of trouble and Elwood can get some time off from the taser factory, they put together one of the best blues sounds the world has ever heard. The Blues Brothers still stands as one of the funniest movies ever made, to boot. The Dukes of Hazzard are a pair of redneck brothers who drive a really fast car painted to resemble the confederate flag. Hey, they’re from the deep south–your political correct ways don’t fly down there. Anyway, as near as I can gather, the entire basis for The Dukes of Hazzard are that the Duke boys are always late for something. Therefore, they must cause as much mayhem as possible while driving really quickly toward wherever they’re going.

Round One:
The Blues Brothers are rocketing off in the Bluesmobile to stop the demolition of the Rock Island Orphanage. The Duke boys are rocketing off in the General Lee because they’re late to assist in the demolition of the Rock Island Orphanage. They meet on the road, and it’s off to the races. The Duke boys hit every jump on the way, including jumps off of other cars where they can find them. The Blues Brothers spend their time speeding down one-way streets and through back alleys, avoiding the police who want them for a laundry list of crimes. The two are neck and neck just a few miles away from the orphanage, but the Bluesmobile is not the best of vehicles. The old police car starts to sputter and die. While the wheels literally fall off the Blues Brothers’ wagon, the General Lee speeds by, heading unhindered for the demolition. Round One goes to the Dukes of Hazzard.

Round Two:
The Blues Brothers hitchhike their way to the demolition site, dismayed that they are almost certainly too late. Fortunately for them, the Duke boys are helping out the demolition crew. By helping, I naturally mean hindering. Handling explosives and construction tools requires some sort of basic knowledge and reading skills, which the Dukes obviously do not have. They spend their time arguing about what the instruction manual says and wondering why Boss Hog hasn’t shown up to try and bust them, forgetting that they’re north of the Mason-Dixon line and safe from the jurisdiction of the Hazzard County authorities. Eventually, a hot young lady with a vaguely southern accent passes them, and they run off to impress her. It turns out that she is in fact their distant cousin, but since when have the Dukes been put off by the possibility of a little inbreeding?

Oh yeah…while the Dukes are distracted, the Blues Brothers show up and demolish the demolition equipment, thus saving the orphanage. Round Two goes to the Blues Brothers.

Round Three:
When the Dukes return from their failed flirtations, they are outraged that the Blues Brothers have foiled what could have been a very fun explosion followed by the use of power tools. The Blues Brothers fall back on their time honored tradition of breaking into a musical number and disctracting the Dukes through the use of a choreographed street dance. But the Duke boys ain’t havin’ none of that there pansy ass blues music, and they go straight for the kill. To deal with these country boys, Jake and Elwood have to fall back on fighting the Chicago way. And, as Sean Connery taught me, the Chicago way involves pulling a gun when they pull a kinfe, and sending one of theirs to the morgue when they send one of yours to the hospital. As fun as a good old-fashioned redneck lynching can be, it doesn’t really hold a candle to the type of pain they teach kids on the mean streets of Chicago. After a thorough beatdown, the Duke boys hop back into the General Lee and dash their asses back to the deep south. The orphanage is saved…at least until the cops come by and toss the Blues Brothers back in jail for another 20 years. Round Three and the match go to the Blues Brothers.

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