Darth Vader versus Shaft

The two blackest dudes out there.Of all the people that showed up to battle Shaft in the Shaft Takes on all Comers battle some time ago, the one person who seemed like a lock to show up was Darth Vader. But apparently Vader was spending too much time being anally raped by George Lucas’ bastard children of cinema that have come to be known as the Star Wars prequels. Luckily, the two blackest people in the galaxy are finally facing off against one another in what will surely be a battle to remember. (Or, if I screw up like Lucas did, one that we will hopefully all forget.)

Round One:
When we last saw Shaft, he was wandering about the Star Wars universe after taking out Mace Windu (who, along with Yoda, was one of the few parts of the prequel movies that didn’t suck). Meanwhile, Vader was spinning deeper and deeper into the hateful carnage of the Dark Side, having defeated both Gandalf and Darph Bobo. The two run into one another and, sensing that this has been a battle years in the making, start laying into one another.

Unfortunately, the details of this first round are blocked by a lawsuit placed on me for my tasteless humor at the expense of African American individuals. Someone with a rubber stamp impresses the words “Racially Insensitive” on my forehead, and I spend the next ten years trying to explain my way out of the situation to the NAACP. Round One is a draw, but I still lose.

Round Two:
After the lawyers figure out that my hackneyed writing and old borrowed jokes don’t actually come from a hatred of any particular cultural group but is rather propelled by the angst and rage of a world gone mad in which Christopher Lee, one of the coolest villain actors of all time, is stuck in a role credited as “Count Dooku” and getting his ass kicked by a muppet, the battle continues.

Vader and Shaft have tested one another’s defenses, and we find Vader struggling with Shaft’s pure rage as he batters Vader from all sides, giving him an ass-kicking unlike any that the Empire has to offer. Unfortunately, Shaft’s unadulterated rage starts working against him, as Vader is armored from head to toe. The two continue their struggles for several minutes, each wondering which will give out first: Shaft’s anger and determination to deliver ten times out of ten or Vader’s crudely made 1970s plastic body armor. Round Two is also a draw.

Round Three:
With a mighty shove against Shaft’s indominable will, Vader finally pushes the black private dick off of him. The two spend a few moments panting, and then observe the crowd that their battle has attracted. Vader draws his lightsaber and prepare for the battle to continue, only to pause in bewilderment as Shaft smooths out his clothing and walks over to one of the alien females in the crowd.

“Hey there woman…you doin’ anything for the next half hour?”

With a couple more horrible…er, brilliant!…pick-up lines, Shaft and the blue-skinned alien woman wander off to a private place for a break.

Vader pauses, turns off his light saber, and begins to wonder if he’s won or if he should pursue his quarry and finish the battle. About this time, he notices a different alien woman, her volutptuous body covered head to toe in gray plastic plates. She gives him a wink and gestures for him to come closer, much to Vader’s bewilderment. Eventually, Vader shrugs.

“Oh what the hell…it’s been a long time.”

Round Three is a draw as both Shaft and Vader prove once again that they can have any woman they want, any time they want. They’re movie stars, so they get that priviledge, however contrived it may sound.

With three rounds done and no resolution, we move into extra rounds!

Round Four:
Each of the combatants gets back from their, ah, constitutionals and resumes the battle. Vader’s mind and body are focused as he lashes out, shooting lightning from his fingertips, doing amazing acrobatics, and showing why he is considered such a badass with the light saber. Meanwhile, Shaft is rejuvenated in his own way, and continues to use his pure blackness to hold Vader to a seeming stalemate. The stalemate lasts until Shaft sees another beautiful alien and promptly hops into bed with her, a transition as easy and full of movie magic as a star wipe. Once again, Vader pauses, but this time follows Shaft’s trail, gutting him from behind while he’s still flirting with the newest alien babe. Round Four and the match go to Darth Vader…one’s libido can be either a boon or a detriment.

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