The United States military has been throwing troops into the Middle East for over a decade, with no hope of coming out anytime soon. This entire black hole of troops has been bugging me, and I think that I have finally come out with a solution.
The solution, as with everything else I think of, involves giant indestructible robots.
Rather than send another wave of troops into Afghanistan and other nations, I say we design a giant 50-foot tall robot with titanium armor, a buzz saw for a hand, an anti-air cannon in its chest, and missle silos on its shoulders. It should have glowing red eyes and the ability to breathe fire.
I call it the Mobile Freedom Unit. The name was originally the Mobile Oppression Unit (borrowed from an episode of Futurama), but we all know that freedom is easier to sell than oppression.
The benefits of the MFU are twofold. First, it removes the human element of war, meaning that fewer people, (well, American people) are dying in battle. Secondly, it boosts our flagging domestic economy something fierce, because its going to require a lot of manpower and a great many jobs to create something that badass. If we can design some state of the art AI for it, there wouldn’t even need to be a human pilot. (Of course, the Pentagon would need a silver bullet sort of kill switch in case it went bad and tried to overthrow America with its mighty robo-logic.) And it also provides us with a sizable intimidation factor against our foes. Sure, terrorists and assassins might send bullets and car bombs at human troops, but they’re going to think twice when dealing with a fire-breathing, red-eyed robot. Even the most devout fanatic will have to wonder if it’s capable of devouring their souls and sending them straight to Hell.
By introducing the MFU, we’re also sending a clear message to other countries. We’re telling them that we can clean up our own messes in style. We’re also telling them not to fuck with us because we can potentially mass produce super-intelligent deathbots to wreck up any nation. Do you think Russia would be so confident that no one will start a land war with them if our foot soldiers are immune to cold and have pointed titanium teeth?
I think that we really need to get cracking on the MFU idea, because it won’t be too long until someone else comes up with the idea (probably France, those asshats) and designs it themselves. Then we’re in a giant robot gap and we’re in big frickin’ trouble. We’re the most powerful nation on the planet; it’s time we acted like it. Truly mighty nations don’t ship out wave after wave of troops to die — they ship out wave after wave of giants robots so other people can die for them.
Look for further details about the Mobile Freedom Unit in 2016, when I will officially be old enough to run for president. I’m sure we’ll still have troops in the Middle East by then. Even if we aren’t, the world will still need a giant fire-breathing robot to kick some ass. I plan on making the Mobile Freedom Unit the central tent pole of my campaign. I hope you’re all on board with this idea, because if you aren’t, I’ll probably license out a third party mad scientist to build it for me and destroy us all.
I’m Charlie Brooks, and I approve this message.