The Knights of the Dinner Table versus the Fantastic Four

Geeks collide!This is a special four-round fight. Each member of a team will get one round during which he or she gets to fight a member of the opposition. Whoever wins the most rounds at the end of the battle wins the fight.

The Knights of the Dinner Table are the gaming group from hell. Members include:

  • Brian: Rules lawyer extraordinaire.
  • Sara: the only one who actually tries to role-play.
  • Bob: That hacking ‘n’ slashing dwarf-playing rogue.
  • Dave: Another hack ‘n’ slasher who never enters a game without a Hackmaster +12

The Fantastic Four are arguably the world’s greatest super heroes. Members include:

  • Mr. Fantastic: A brilliant scientist who can stretch a lot.
  • The Invisible Woman: A chick who can turn invisible.
  • The Human Torch: You should know it from the name.
  • The Thing: A classic comic book brick.

Round One: Brian versus Mr. Fantastic
Brian cooly walks into battle wielding his rulebooks and a fireball generator lended to him by Wierd Pete’s gaming shop. Mr. Fantastic leaps into action, only to be shocked down by the hungry flames from the fireball generator. After a bit of give and take, Mr. Fantastic uses his stretching technique combined with a flame resistant uniform to crush the fireball generator while keeping his burning damage to a minimum. “Do you give up?”

“Not bad,” retorts Brian, “but, not to step on your toes or anything, the use of your powers defies the laws of physics (page 133, subsection A, paragraph 6). You can’t create matter out of nothing. Even my GM knows that.”

“But this is comic book physics…”

“Sorry, but by stepping out of the mainstream comic book universe, you no longer have the ability to define the laws of physics as you go. See the conversion rules, page 207, table 3A, third line down.”

“But…” His logic stymied, Mr. Fanastic’s head explodes (which is allowed according to the Webmaster’s Guide, page 87, paragraph 3). Round One goes to the Knights.

Round Two: Bob versus the Thing
The Thing comes into the fray with his battle cry, “It’s clobberin’ time!” Bob takes up a replica of his character’s choice weapon, a crossbow of slaying, but the bolts simply bounce off the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed Thing’s rocky hide. The Thing closes with Bob and uses but a fraction of his massive strength to snap Bob’s crossbow and slap the 25-year old bald guy around a little bit. Bob is one the verge of unconciousness when he spills his dice bag. The Thing, ignoring the tiny cubes, marches toward Bob, inadvertantly stepping on them. This sets Bob off, and he goes into a rage, screaming, “DON’T TOUCH MY DICE!!!” Five gruesome minutes later, the Thing is crawling on his hands and knees away from the fight, crying, “Please…no more…make it stop…MAKE IT STOP!!!” Round Two goes to the Knights.

Round Three: Dave versus the Invisible Woman
Considering that the Invisible Woman enters the battle invisible, Dave seems rather confused. He begins randomly swinging a replica of his Hackmaster +12 until it clanks against a force field. “Hey cool…” Dave begins hammering away at the force field until the Invisible Woman, unable to stand the strain of such a mighty weapon against her shield, pops into view. She drops her field as she collapses. Dave snickers and makes a sexist comment about women in spandex, at which point the Invisible Woman uses her telekinetic powers to dismember Dave. Round Three goes to the FF.

Round Four: Sarah versus the Human Torch
The battle begins friendly enough, with Sara wielding her dagger and Johnny Storm flying carelessly overhead on an arc of flame. Sara ducks behind a well to avoid the Torch’s flame attacks, and beings parleying with him. Confused, the Torch lands, and the two talk for a while about how neither of them really wants to fight and how it could all be resolved peacefully (most of the peaceful stuff is Sara’s idea). Eventually, the Torch gets the idea that Sara is flirting with him, and he flames off. The two get in close to each other, and Johnny’s about to give Sara a kiss when she sticks a dagger in his gut. Never make a stupid assumption. Trust me, you’ll end up just like the Torch. Round Four and the fight goes to the Knights. The fight could continue, but would surely end in a loss for the FF, since the Invisible Woman is the only one in any condition to continue.

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