Mario is Evil

The face of evil.Mario is an evil, evil man.

The most popular character in video game history, Mario rose from humble origins as a carpenter out to defeat a psychotic ape to become a plumber, a doctor, a superhero, an athlete, and countless other celebrity roles. However, underneath the exterior of the fun-loving, fearless video game hero is a racist, a coward, and a womanizer. As can be deduced through his video games, Mario is a horrible person.

Evidence #1: Donkey Kong
I’ve delved into the depths of the obvious racism in Donkey Kong before. Beyond the appalling treatment of Black America in that game, though, is Mario’s own refusal to allow any sort of rehabilitation for criminals. Yes, Donkey Kong should not have kidnapped Pauline. However, Mario relies on no authorities in the creature’s capture, and resorts to inflicting immense pain upon the poor creature. After Donkey Kong is defeated, Mario refuses to let things lie, and instead imprisons him, takes him to the jungle, and proceeds to attempt to kill Donkey Kong’s son. These are not the acts of a benevolent avenger. Also, it is worth noting that Mario seems surprisingly proficient with the use of a sledgehammer as a weapon. I think perhaps the authorities arrested the wrong man in the great Japanese sledgehammer massacre of ’81.

Example #2: Super Mario Land
Mario’s debut on the Game Boy found him mysteriously ditching his brother Luigi and his girlfriend Princess Peach to have an illicit affair with another princess, Daisy. He also used some more vicious tactics in this game than he had previously. Armed with a scuba vessel and a space ship, he took on the alien Tatanga to “rescue” Daisy. Tatanga planned on wedding Daisy and becoming a king, and obviously did not know how to properly express his love. Once again, Mario shoots first and asks questions later, and opts to torpedo the alien’s ass instead of negotiate. Mario’s adventures in Sarasaland remained on the down low for years, and he resumed his relationship with Peach while continuing to have flings on the side with Daisy. When Daisy finally traveled to the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario conveniently shacked her up with Luigi, in hopes of keeping her mouth shut.

Evidence #3: Dr. Mario
Dr. Mario appeared in 1990, only one year after Mario’s affair with Daisy. Suddenly, Mario has gone from being a carpenter to a doctor. We never saw a Med Student Mario or an Intern and Resident Mario, so it seems safe to assume that Mario had no formal medical training. That fact is even more apparent when we take a look at how he treats his patients. For every illness, he simply throws more and more pills into a bottle, hoping that reckless medication will make the problem go away. Never does he consider the ramifications of the addictive qualities of these pills, and he often throws the wrong color pills into the bottle. Furthermore, Mario goes back to being a plumber after this game – obviously, someone caught onto his blatant malpractice. That’s what happens to those who assume that their celebrity allows them to play God.

Evidence #4: Super Mario World
In 1991, Mario met a new ally: the dinosaur named Yoshi. Yoshi, like Donkey Kong, is an intelligent animal (Donkey Kong could tie a necktie, and Yoshi was capable of speech). How does Mario treat his new “friend?” By using him as a mount and pounding the back of Yoshi’s head to force him to use his tongue as a weapon. Moreover, Mario encourages this type of behavior from his impressionable younger brother, Luigi. Bastard.

Evidence #5: Mario Kart
Mario then branched out into racing, where his loose morals overrode any sort of sportsmanship. Rather than the game being about skill and speed, Mario introduced a variety of booby traps, ranging from koopa shells to banana peels to actual bombs, in order to keep his foes from crossing the finish line before him. The only way to succeed in the Mario Kart circuit was for the other characters to rely on the same tactics. Once Mario got his hands on the sport of racing, he ruined it forever.

Evidence #6: Super Smash Brothers
Finally, Mario found a franchise that could play directly to his blood lust. Lining up friend and foe alike, he started just beating the crap out of everyone in sight. Once again, the other Nintendo characters had to mimic this vicious behavior just to survive. With every iteration of Super Smash Brothers, the game introduces more characters – or, as Mario likes to refer to them as, victims.

Evidence #7: Mario versus Donkey Kong
The original Mario versus Donkey Kong begins as a simple misunderstanding on Donkey Kong’s part. As he is an ape who doesn’t have a full grasp on the concept of commerce (unlike the greedy Mario, who collects coins like they’re going out of style in each of his video games), Donkey Kong ends up taking some toys that are not his. He is summarily punished for this, again by Mario rather than by the proper authorities. In fact, Mario tosses him off a building this time around, nearly killing the poor ape. By the sequel, Mario has trained an army of clockwork mini-Mario “toys” to thwart Donkey Kong. Oh, and Pauline, Mario’s original chick, reappears. Apparently, Mario’s looking to reignite the flame of passion with his old girlfriend, despite the fact that he dumped her for Peach back in the 80s, and despite the fact that both Peach and Daisy are still around. What a womanizing creep.

Well, there you have it. Indisputable evidence that Mario is one of the vilest bastards to ever walk the Earth. And that’s leaving out dozens of other examples, such as the fact that he encourages kids to do drugs (“super” mushrooms that make him bigger and stronger), that he regularly endorses violence, and that he deliberately puts on that fake Italian accent to give a bad reputation to struggling Italian Americans everywhere. And yet we keep foisting him upon our impressionable children. Go ahead and let them play those damned video games. Just don’t come crying to me when your kids turn out to be womanizers, abusers, and dinosaur-haters.

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One Response to “Mario is Evil”

  1. This is funny and weird at the same time.

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