Doc Brown versus Grover Cleveland

This battle could span all of space and time.Man, not even I know what I was smoking in the recent Agent Smith versus Doc Brown fight. Apparently, though, Doc Brown won. In picking his opponent for the next fight, I decided to go back to another battle I wrote where I wondered afterwards what the hell I was thinking, Grover Cleveland versus Grover Cleveland. That one also involved a theme of time travel, so it sort of fits. Why is Doc Brown looking so nervous in the picture above? Because Grover Cleveland, before being elected President, was known as the Buffalo Hangman. How did he get that name? By personally hanging two men while he was the sheriff of Buffalo, New York.

Round One:
These two unwittingly crossed paths back when Grover Cleveland battled his insane time-traveling future self. Although that adventure left him and anyone reading about it utterly confused, he decides to do some investigation as to what the time-traveling horseless carriage was doing at the scene of his last battle. Doc Brown, who just dealt with some crazy peril at the hands of Agent Smith, is quite disturbed when Grover Cleveland appears in his home via H.G. Wells’ time machine. Rather than submit himself to questioning, Doc Brown panics and leaps into his newly repaired Delorean, zipping off into the past. Grover Cleveland gives chase, and the two go racing through time and space. Ultimately, the Delorean was built with some maneuverability in mind, while the time machine created by H.G. Wells was never meant for a racetrack, even if that racetrack does happen to be spacetime. Grover Cleveland loses control of his time machine and crashes somewhere in the Jurassic Period. Round One goes to Doc Brown.

Round Two:
Feeling bad that he stranded a fellow time traveler in the past, even if he was potentially an enemy, Doc Brown decides to rescue Grover Cleveland. However, he first decides to get himself a bodyguard in case his foe’s intentions really are violent. He stops off in the late 1880s and picks up one of Grover’s contemporaries, Benjamin Harrison to defend him and hopefully talk some sense into Mr. Cleveland. The Delorean then rockets back into the past, and Doc Brown and Mr. Harrison get out of the car to rescue Grover Cleveland. But while this version of Grover Cleveland isn’t really the evil insane version he fought before, he still has some anger issues, especially after having been stranded in prehistory. Seeing his political foe Benjamin Harrison is enough to cause him to temporarily snap, and he proceeds to beat the crap out of both Mr. Harrison and Doc Brown. Benjamin Harrison gets devoured by an allosaurus, while Grover Cleveland has other plans for Doc Brown… Round Two goes to Grover Cleveland.

Round Three:
While Doc Brown recovers from his beating, Grover Cleveland strings him up with some vines fashioned into a makeshift noose. He wants out of the Jurassic Period, but since his time machine is broken down, he needs the Delorean to do it. He offers Doc Brown a simple ultimatum: tell him the secret to this strange silver time machine, or hang. In a panic, Doc Brown goes to his last line of defense: technobabble. He starts yammering about tachyons, parallel timelines, and the head injury he sustained while trying to hang a picture in his bathroom so quickly that it further bewilders the already traumatized Grover Cleveland. Grover Cleveland puts his hands over his ears in an attempt to block Doc Brown’s crazy monolgue out, but Doc Brown just raises his voice. Ultimately, Grover Cleveland bangs his head against a nearby tree trunk in an attempt to make the pain go away, eventually knocking himself out. Doc Brown brings the ex-President’s body back to the Delorean and dutifully drops him off in his proper time before going back to the future himself. Round Three and the fight go to Doc Brown.

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