Captain America versus Minuteman
Captain America, aka Steve Rogers, is the American icon who fought Nazis in the Marvel Universe. His special skills include wearing blue chainmail and throwing a vibranium shield. He managed to blow a lot of his cool factor at the end of the Civil War event when he broke down crying like a pussy, but that’s life. Minuteman is a lesser-known parallel hero from the Freedom Force video games. He worked on the Manhattan Project and was saved from death at the hands of a Soviet traitor by a burst of Energy X, which granted him his super powers. He’s got a lot of the same powers that Cap has, except that he has a flagpole staff instead of a shield. He didn’t fight Nazis in his native time, but he did travel back in time to battle with them. Now these two will pit their Nazi-fighting skills against one another to see who has the right to drape himself in our nation’s flag.
Captain America and Minuteman each seek out this fight, as each one is convinced that the other is guilty of that most un-American crime, copyright infringement. Determined to prove that he is the one and only paragon of American justice, each combatant leaps into the fray. Minuteman starts his battle cry of, “For freedom!” but is silenced halfway through when Cap tosses his shield into Minuteman’s face. Fortunately for Minuteman, his rock-hard heroic chin deflects even the powerful shield, leaving it to do minimal damage. Before the shield can go full circle and return to Cap, Minuteman swats it away with his staff, leaving Captain America unarmed. However, it would be unsporting to fight with a weapon when his opponent is unarmed. To show his good nature, Minuteman tosses his staff away and engages Cap in hand to hand combat. Each combatant lands several devastating blows, but in the end it’s Captain America who gets the better end of the battle. After all, Cap is decked out in super-strong chainmail. Minuteman, in the meantime, is running around dressed in a flag – stylish (apparently), but not very good in terms of protection. Round One goes to Captain America.
Getting the tar kicked out of him by Captain America, Minuteman realizes that he has made a tactical blunder and violated the American way of warfare. America doesn’t meet their enemies on even ground, it pounds the ever-loving crap out of them with air strikes and enough firepower to make the rest of the world wet themselves. Minuteman manages to get to his flagpole staff, which turns the tide of the battle in his favor. Captain America, despite receiving a beating, remains optimistic.
“I’ve got an ace up my sleeves,” he says. “You don’t really think these wings on the side of my mask are there for show, do you?”
Cap grits his teeth and concentrates, trying to tap into the secret power of those ear-wings of his. Unfortunately, no such power exists.
“Wow…I guess the wings on the side of my mask are just for show. What the Hell, America?”
While he is trying to ponder what kind of drug compelled the United States military to put together a costume that had nonfunctional ear-wings, Captain America continues to get a beating at the hands of the Minuteman. Round Two goes to Minuteman.
Minuteman proceeds to wallop Captain America, knocking him around the block. Fortunately for Cap, that block has a hotel where a comics convention is being held. Cap might not be the most popular superhero of all time (at least he wasn’t before he got shot by a time-traveling bullet…sorry, that’s a rant for the future), but he has more fans than Minuteman, who was only in two low-profile video games. Seeing their hero getting trounced, the fans rush to save Captain America. Mobbed by dozens of comic book nerds, Minuteman breaks down like a sobbing baby and starts to talk about how he’s not really fighting for the people. Captain America scratches his chin and notes that this scene looks somewhat familiar, but he’s put a mental block on how much an utter pussy he was in Marvel’s Civil War event a couple of years ago. Instead he grabs his shield and smashes Minuteman over the back of the head, knocking him unconscious. Captain America is declared the true American icon, and Minuteman is forced to sell his tri-corner hat in order to pay compensation for the whole copyright infringement thing. Round Three and the fight go to Captain America.