Lord of the Gay

A hilarious new romantic comedy!Queer Theory is a literary theory which many academics have recently embraced wherein pieces of classic literature are re-examined to determine whether the characters are homosexual or not. I don’t have any idea how knowing Jay Gatsby’s sexual orientation could enrich my life, but if so many academics think it’s a worthwhile and important theory to pursue, it must be, right? I mean, college professors aren’t exactly the type to spend their lives stroking their own egos and trying to stretch a borrowed feeling of intelligence and importance over the gaping holes in their shattered lives, are they?

Queer Theory can be very enlightening when applied to many pieces of classic literature. Did you know Holden Caulfield was probably gay? Yep, all the angst and soul searching in The Catcher in the Rye could have been resolved if Holden just took a shot in the butt from some guy. Why didn’t J.D. Salinger ever tell us that story?

When applied to fantasy literature, Queer Theory becomes even more enlightening. Looking at The Lord of the Rings, which is probably the most popular and well-known staple of the modern fantasy genre, we see that the epic saga is all about queer theory. In fact, J.R.R. Tolkien should have just called the whole thing The Lord of the Gay.

Think about it. For one thing, the trilogy has almost no female characters. Not counting Shelob, there are really only three. Arwen barely gets any page time, and has almost no dialogue. Eowyn has to parade around in drag just to get a little attention. And Galadriel is an elf. Since all elves are basically women anyway, we can just assume she’s a lesbian.

The main characters pair off in couples. Legolas and Gimli become special friends, and Sam and Frodo parade through Mordor together, openly declaring their love for each other. Likewise, Merry and Pippin are inseparable, and seem to share a bond that is more than just friendship. Their ultimate goal? To overthrow the dark lord Sauron, who makes his home in a huge phallic tower. In the second book, there is a union between the two towers of Sauron and Saruman. Yep, a “union” between two “towers.” Real subtle there, Tolkien.

To defeat Sauron, the characters must overcome their homosexual urges and usher in a new age – one of heterosexuality. This is only accomplished by tossing a magical ring – which shares a connection to the aforementioned phallic tower – into a cave full of molten lava. That’s about as heterosexual as you can possibly get: thrusting your manhood into a cave full of hot, volatile fluid that just happens to serve as an important building block of life. Once that deed is accomplished, Mordor crumbles. The union of the two towers is over, and a new age dawns on Middle Earth. To enforce this new age/sexual identity, Aragorn asserts his heterosexuality by marrying Arwen, thus providing us with the first straight relationship of the series. This union is mirrored by the less intense but still very heterosexual relationship between Faramir and Eowyn

And what happens to all the gays of old? They all board a ship and sail away to a new world, for this new age has no place for them. Frodo even leaves Sam, forcing Sam to enter a heterosexual relationship of his own and father children, all while he secretly pines away for his lost love Frodo. As the series ends, the Age of Gay is over, replaced by an age where heterosexuality is the only sexuality.

And so there you have it. Many people might have thought J.R.R. Tolkien was just telling an epic and enjoyable fantasy tale when he wrote The Lord of the Rings. In reality, he was saying that all gay people should be packed on a ship and sent away to a distant land. What an intolerant asshole.

And that, my friends, is the value of Queer Theory and its contribution to the study of literature.

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