Gandalf versus Mighty Mouse
In one corner we have the reigning champion in this section, the gray wizard Gandalf. (Okay, so he becomes the white wizard in The Lord of the Rings, but I like the alliteration of Gandalf the Grey.) His victories include two heroes who were previously nearly invulnerable, the Tick and Elminster the Sage. Well, they aren’t so tough now. In the other corner there’s Mighty Mouse, who made a name for himself around here by clobbering Pikachu in one of my earliest fights. He took a beating against Shaft later on, but who doesn’t? Either way, the two combatants are here now to determine who will emerge victorious in this Contest of Champions.
As can be expected, the man who killed Elminster and singlehandedly bested the Tick has caused quite a disturbance. But Gandalf the Grey tries his best to keep life simple and keeps himself moving, wandering from town to town performing fireworks shows and other minor magical oddities. He keeps mostly to hobbits and other quiet folk like Canadians in order to maintain a low profile until the heat blows over. But there is one wee person that he cannot escape. His name is Mighty Mouse, and here he comes to save the day.
Mighty Mouse is lucky enough to catch Gandalf while the old wizard’s taking a smoke break, so his pothead’s brain is as cooked as Vanilla Ice’s career. Mighty Mouse easily knocks Gandalf from his feet, and by the time that the old mage has stumbled back to his feet and drawn Orcsbane, the wrath of the world’s tiniest superhero (well, barring Ant-Man) is upon him. The miniscule hero knocks the sword from the wizard’s hand and sends him reeling. Utilizing super speed and his amazing strength, Mighty Mouse has Gandalf on the ropes before the fight has really begun. Round One goes to Mighty Mouse.
Mighty Mouse is indeed, well, mighty, but can all the strength in the world stand against the supreme magic of Middle Earth? Gandlaf pulls off just enough misdirection and illusion to keep Mighty Mouse from pummeling him completely. He then conjures something that is sure to stymie the little rodent: a fire-breathing super-cat. The cat pounces on Mighty Mouse and swallows him, only to have the superpowered rodent burst back through closed teeth. The cat does not go down easily, however, and fights until its dying breath. But in the end Mighty Mouse is too much for him.
“Watch out, old man, because…Mighty Mouse is on his way!!!” Mighty Mouse gets a moment of comic book drama as he finishes off Gandalf’s conjured cat and turns to face the wizard, who has bought just enough time to pick up his sword and ready a couple defenses for the next round. Round Two goes to Mighty Mouse.
Let me just say here that I really wanted Mighty Mouse to win. I thought he had everything going for him, but the poll simply didn’t go his way. So because my heart isn’t quite in it all the way, Gandalf pulls through in the most deus ex machina of ways.
Just as the two combatants are about to go at one another’s throats again for the final clash, who should show up but the Balrog, that fiery demon that almost caused Gandalf’s doom. That’s right, if one person gets a mystical return to life, so can the monster that almost killed him. The creature rages, furious over the results of his last battle with the wizard and looking for revenge.
“Oh, fuck this! I have no interest in dying again!” Gandalf beats a hasty retreat, knowing that in this case discretion is the better part of valor. Mighty Mouse, on the other hand, is all about valor, and he flies to meet this new and obviously evil foe. Thus he meets his doom as he is consumed in unholy fire that even his near invincibility cannot stand. (Sure he can bend mousetraps and whatnot, but this is like a nuke to him.) Mighty Mouse is incinerated, and the Balrog is promptly extinguished by a group of local firefighters thanks to a 911 call that Gandalf put in. Round Three and the match go to Gandalf, who is still the reining champion.