Iron Man versus Samus Aran
This battle features two very cool individual in power armor suits. Iron Man has been around since 1963 or thereabouts. His secret identity is Tony Stark, billionaire playboy and recovered alcoholic. He has previously fought and lost against Black Sabbath’s Iron Man, but we won’t hold that against him. I will, however, hold against him one quote from his animated TV series: “Stilt-Man, looks like you don’t have a leg to stand on!” Ugh. Samus is the heroine from the wonderful Metroid video game series. Although she’s rarely shown outside of her armor, I’ve gotta say that she’s one of the most attractive fictional women out there…I just can’t say no to a lady in a powered armor suit who fights space pirates. It’s one of my weaknesses.
The two combatants meet on the Earth’s moon, ready for a fight to determine who is the greatest iron person of them all.
Then, for no reason whatsoever, Tony Stark’s head explodes and his brains start leaking out the eyeholes of his armor. Round One and the Match go to Samus Aran. Come on, Iron Man deserves some karmic backlash for that stupid Stilt-Man comment!
Well, the screaming fans with torches outside my window have informed me that I can’t cop-out and present a one round fight where nothing happens, so I guess I’ll have to put at least a tiny bit of effort into this thing. Iron Man’s head regenerates thanks to his super-pseudoscientific brain regenerating…thing. Look, my degree is in English, not Dumb Comic Book Inventions!
Anyway, the two warriors take flight, blasting at one another with their various arsenals. Let’s see…Samus has a variety of laser beams and a ton of missiles, some of which freeze enemies solid. She also has bombs and can morph into some sort of robotic soccer ball or something. Iron Man has jets, lasers, and technology based on magnets. He does have specialty armors, but those seem mostly designed to take on his friends like Thor and the Hulk. Samus has a slight advantage in terms of sheer arsenal at the moment, and she manages to catch Iron Man with one of her freeze missiles, which stops the Golden Avenger cold (ba-dum-tish). Samus then surrounds the frozen inventor with a bunch of super bombs, sure to destroy him utterly. But Iron Man uses his magnetic repulsors to push himself off of the moon’s surface and into space. He then manages to steer himself away from the dark side of the moon and toward the sun, where the ice encasing him begins to melt. Finally, Iron Man breaks free…just in time to get Samus’ fist in the face. Round Two goes to Samus Aran.
Samus smashes the crap out of Iron Man, and old tinhead finds himself scrambling just to regroup and think of a new plan. After quite a beating, he finally manages to get away from Samus. He stops and thinks for a moment, and then realizes that Samus is a woman. As a millionaire playboy, Tony Stark knows a thing or two about wooing women, and he decides that if force can’t defeat her, maybe guile will. Her removes his helmet to show off his Clark Gable features, and his head promptly implodes. Maybe it’s the concussion acting, maybe it’s the fact that there is no oxygen for Stark’s brain on the moon, maybe it’s the fact that I really like to see people’s heads implode, but in an uncharacteristic moment of stupidity, Stark forgets the laws of physics and dies in the vaccuum of space. Round Three and the Match go to Samus Aran, although Iron Man deserves some sort of award for having his head implode or explode in two of the three rounds in this fight.