Iron Man versus Mr. Roboto

Black Sabbath versus Styx. Go!This fight is a work of art in and of itself. We have in one corner Black Sabbath’s Iron Man, a robot who has come back for vengeance after being forsaken by the human race. His opponent is Mr. Roboto, the ultimate blending of man and machine and the defender of the human race. One robot is a force of pure vengeance, one is a force of pure justice. It’s quite beautiful, really.

Round One:
The fight begins when Iron Man has returned to finish off the human race that has foolishly passed him by. He has returned to fill his victims full of lead, and only one being has the courage and the power to take him on. That being is Mr. Roboto. The two titans line up to do battle, and the mysterious Mr. Roboto leaps into action. Despite the fact that Iron Man’s body is made of steel, the superhuman strength of Mr. Roboto overcomes the armor, pummeling the vengeful robot onto the brink of defeat. Iron Man is about to fight back, but is stymied by philosophical questions as to whether he can walk. If he dares to move, will he fall? Round One goes to Mr. Roboto.

Round Two:
By this time a crowd has gathered and has begun rooting on their champion Mr. Roboto. Iron Man is on the ropes and about to go down when he suddenly realizes that this whole existentialism is bullshit, and that he can obviously walk, talk, and kill. Iron Man leaps into action, fighting back with the vengeance that only centuries of psychosis and loneliness can provide. Mr. Roboto is surprised by Iron Man’s second wind, and is forced to defend himself as best he can. Suddenly one of Iron Man’s blows shatters Mr. Roboto’s mask, and his true identity is revealed. He is, in fact, Killroy.

The crowd is stunned. Mr. Roboto is, of all people, the mild-mannered Killroy. A man they have let into their homes, a man they have trusted. And now he is risking his life against an insane robot that wants to destroy the world while they cower. The crowd rallies behind Killroy, helping him up and facing down Iron Man with a courage that only overly sentimental writing can describe. Round Two is a draw, since Iron Man’s apparent victory is stopped short while the crowd learns the true meaning of Christmas.

Round Three:
The sight of his victims standing against impossible odds in order to save their hero touches Iron Man deeply. These same cattle that he came to slaughter are standing up to him because of one man. Silence fills the air as Mr. Roboto staggers to his feet, ready to die in the defense of the very people who once considered him an outsider. Had Iron Man tears to shed, he would likely break down weeping.

But alas, Iron Man is a psychotic killer robot, and therefore is incapable of learning the true meaning of friendship. As he has planned for years, he turns around and fills his enemies full of lead. He puts an entire clip of bullets into Killroy’s IBM brain, and then slaughters the crowd. All who observe the scene learn the true meaning of bloodloss before they too succumb to Iron Man’s deadly attacks. Round Three and the match go to Iron Man…looks like the end of the human race again.

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