Conan the Barbarian versus the T-800

Ah-nold versus Ah-noldAnyone remember the 80s? Back in the day where Arnold Schwarzenegger was the ultimate badass and he got paid by the line? We can forget everything else that happened then. What matters for this fight is that we have Conan the Barbarian versus the T-800 in a matchup of Schwarzenegger’s early (and some would argue best) roles. Conan is a warrior, a wanderer, and eventually a king in the land of Hyboria who seeks nothing more than to crush his enemies, see them driven before him, and hear the lamentations of their women. The T-800 is a cold, ruthless killing machine – in many ways a kindred spirit to Conan, although as a robot it doesn’t actually have a spirit.

Round One:
Terminators are easy to write into fights. They teleport in from the future, pick a target, and start killing. However, I’m not in the mood to follow convention, especially after having done several fights already featuring the T-1000. Instead, thanks to a magical curse placed on him by a warlock, Conan finds himself hurled into the far future. As it turns out, there are Terminators in the dark future of Hyborea, too. Conan emerges on the front lines of the war between humans and machines, but has no problem picking sides. He does have a problem with gunfire, which he is unused to, especially as it comes from automatic weapons. Taking shelter from the hail of bullets in what seems to be a burned out laboratory, Conan winds up coming across one of the first T-800s. He hails it as a friend at first, believing the robot to be human – it looks so similar to him that it could be a cousin or ancestor. It is much to Conan’s surprise, then, when the T-800 hefts the barbarian off the ground and hurls him against a concrete wall. Round One goes to the T-800.

Round Two:
With the battle begun, Conan picks himself up despite bruised ribs and a cracked vertebrae. He gives a barbarian growl and lunges forward to punch the T-800 in the face. This naturally results in a hurt hand, because even the mighty Conan has trouble punching his way through steel. The T-800 sends Conan flying backwards again with a haymaker and marches forward in a slow but steady manner, apparently taking its time with the barbarian’s destruction. Conan picks himself up and reminds himself of the basic tenet of battle: anything will die if you have a big enough sword. He draws his own blade and charges back into the fray, cutting off one of the terminator’s limbs. The T-800 examines the damage but decides that it’s not catastrophic. Conan and his sword beg to differ, as he takes another slash and cuts off the T-800’s other arm. Somewhere in the distance, the Black Knight from Monty Python’s Holy Grail cackles maniacally. Round Two goes to Conan the Barbarian.

Round Three:
Without arms, the T-800 seems to be unable to fulfill its function of eraticating human life, specifically the life of Conan the Barbarian. But the machine is a near-perfect engine of destruction, and it’s not done yet. It backs up and then charges at Conan, leaping feet-first at the barbarian. Surprised by the unconventional tactics, Conan is unable to block the attack as the T-800 locks its legs around Conan’s torso and pushes him to the ground. The T-800 then slams its steel cranium into Conan’s jaw. Not one to be outdone in a headbutting contest, Conan strikes back with a skull bash of his own. Unfortunately for Conan, his skull isn’t made of steel. Moreover, no matter how thick his head is, the brain inside is soft and squishy, not the mesh of circuitry and doom that runs the T-800. Conan suffers a sever concussion as the repeated headbuts continue and eventually blacks out as his brain turns to mush. Round Three and the fight go to the T-800.

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