Horatio Caine versus Kit Kat

Caruso versus CarusoSay what you will about David Caruso, but he’s one of the smartest men in television. He does the same bit week after week after week in CSI: Miami, looking into the distance, putting on his sunglasses, and delivering a one-liner as the show cuts to “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” and it has made him more successful than anything else he has ever done. In tribute to the genius that is David Caruso, I’m pitting two of his characters against one another. In one corner there’s Horatio Caine, brilliant CSI detective, from CSI: Miami. In the other corner is Kit Kat, a mute master of disguise and imitation, from Hudson Hawk (which is one of the best movies of all time, by the by). Get ready for some mad Caruso-on-Caruso action. Also get ready for a barrage of puns and one-liners, because it wouldn’t be a Caruso fight without it.

Round One:
Horatio Caine has been assigned to hunting down rogue CIA members formerly under the control of George Kaplan. How this falls into the jurisdiction of a crime scene detective is classified information that will not be revealed lest the plot holes to this fight be fully uncovered. Fortunately for Horatio, all of the CIA operatives died during the events of Hudson Hawk, with the exception of the agent known as Kit Kat, who somehow managed to fake his death after being ventilated with a crossbow.


“It looks like big crime…

“Comes in small sizes.”


Having read Kit Kat’s profile, he knows that the operative is a compulsive master of disguise who copies his targets’ clothing and mannerisms. Knowing that his own mannerisms are truly unique because no one would ever, ever act that way in real life, Horatio merely walks around in public until he finds another person dressed in sunglasses and approaching people with his head tilted 45 degrees to the right at all times.


“Double your pleasure…

“Double your fun.”


With Kit Kat out in the open, Horatio charges and punches him in the face, breaking his nose.

“Looks like…

“I broke off a piece…

“Of that Kit Kat bar.”


Round One goes to Horatio Caine.

Round Two:
Kit Kat hits the pavement, spits out some blood, then comes right back up. He pulls a switch blade and slices Horatio’s face, right across the tip of the nose in retaliation for his own injury. Then he hands Horatio three index cards.

“A perfect example…

“Of cutting off the nose…

“To spite the face.”


Horatio touches his wound, looks at the blood on his fingertips, and growls. He takes his sunglasses off, then puts them back on.

“Seems like…

“You’re looking for…

“A five-finger discount”

Horatio then makes a fist and punches Kit Kat as a scream echoes in the background.


Growing weary of the bit, Kit Kat hands Horatio three more cards.

“Stop making those puns…

“Or I will skin you alive…

“And wear you like a jacket.”


Undeterred, Horatio continues beating on Kit Kat.

“Well my friend…

“Don’t start something…

“You can’t finish.”


Round Two goes to Horatio Caine.

Round Three:
While Horatio continues spewing one-liners and Kit Kat becomes increasingly frustated, someone else intervenes in the fight. Roger Daltrey, lead singer of The Who, is getting a sore throat from giving his trademark scream every single time Horatio utters a pun. He’s finally had it and decides to end the fight early. His only problem is that he can’t figure out which of the David Caruso lookalikes is Horatio Caine. He finally picks one at random and proceeds to beat that person unconscious with his guitar. The unfortunate victim is Kit Kat (i.e., he had fewer votes in the poll), allowing Horatio to make the arrest. Seeing how narrowly he avoided a beatdown from the aging rockstar, Horatio takes Kit Kat in without uttering any more puns. But once Daltrey has left the scene, he can’t help himself.


“I’m betting Mr. Daltrey…

“Won’t get fooled again.”


“God damn it!” shouts Daltrey somewhere on a plane back to London.

Round Three and the fight go to Horatio Caine. I guess Kit Kat…shouldn’t have gone…raising Caine.


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