The Tick versus Dr. Evil

Big blue justice versus big bald evil.The Tick is a big blue mom-and-apple-pie kind of guy. Super strength, nigh invulnerability, and some really fuzzy logic gives the Tick the edge when defending his home town of The City. You saw him clobber Superman in an earlier fight on this page. Doctor Evil went through six years of evil school just for the title of doctor. Like the Tick, he is a returning champion, having annihilated Dr. Doom in the very first fight I ever wrote. Austin Powers generally foils Dr. Evil’s plots to take over the world; we’ll see if the Tick can do the same.

Round One:
“Ladies and gentlemen, here is my plan. As you all know, Microsoft is the largest and wealthiest corporation in America. My plan is as such: we will blackmail Bill Gates by threatening to reveal to the United States government that Microsoft’s combination of its internet browser and Windows system constitutes a monopoly, and is thus illegal. After a lengthy trial, the government will break up Microsoft, potentially crippling the corporation. That is, unless they pay us…a king’s ransom?”

“Dr. Evil, have you ever even read a history book?”

“I fail to see your so-called point, Number Two.”

After showing Dr. Evil the flaw in his plan, the evil organization quickly comes up with a plan to destroy a random major city. By an astounding coincidence, they choose The City. Dr. Evil dispatches an evil bomber, but said bomber is soon crushed by that tender bosom of justice, the Tick. Round One goes to the Tick.

Round Two:
Enraged at his failure, Dr. Evil travels to The City with an armed entourage to investigate the matter. They quickly find the Tick performing his own investigation on the bombings. The two cross paths, leading to a battle. Dr. Evil’s thugs are quickly dispatched by the mighty muscles of goodness that make up the Tick’s strength. Gritting his teeth, Dr. Evil sneaks up behind the Tick and zaps him with a pocket-sized device sending out high voltages of electricity with the goal of inducing unconsciousness in its victims, or, as Dr. Evil lovingly refers to it, a “taser.” Round Two goes to Dr. Evil.

Round Three:
Having captured the Tick, Dr. Evil places our great gallavanting goliath into a highly complex and easily escapable death trap. As usual, Scott protests.

“But Dad, why not just atomize him like you did to the last guy?”

“No no no Scott. We did it your way last time. this time, it’s my way or no way mister.”

“But my way worked!”

“Shut up Scott.”

The argument carries on for roughly five minutes, during which the Tick regains his senses and frees himself of his bonds. He picks Dr. Evil up and flings him into a wall. Dr. Evil is rendered unconsciuos by this, and Number Two offers the Tick a sizeable amount of money to go away. This enrages the Tick, and Number Two is lucky to escape with his life…or sanity, whichever is more valuable. Round Three goes to the Tick, and the cantankerous blue crusader wins again.


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