Han Solo and Luke Skywalker versus Sam Gamgee and Frodo Baggins
Han Solo is a badass with a heart of gold, and Luke Skywalker is a farm boy who turned out to be the biggest damned hero in the galaxy. Both are from the Star Wars trilogy, which is a hilarious intergalactic buddy caper where Han and Luke travel around the galaxy learning the true meaning of love. Seriously, there are a lot of homosexual overtones in the series. I am deliberately choosing to ignore the third person in the love triangle, Princess Leia, because plot developments that were unforeseen in the first film give that whole thing an incestuous overtone. Opposing them here is another pair of gay characters who go out to save the world, Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins. They’re a pair of hobbits who embark upon a hilarious and romantic journey across Middle Earth to the luxurious vacation spot of Mount Doom. I’m deliberately ignoring the love triangle here because it involves slimy, nasty Gollum, and I’m a bigot when it comes to ugly morlock creatures (like my ex-girlfriend – zing!).
With both the Star Wars and Lord of the Rings franchises having made hundreds of millions of dollars, the main protagonists of said films decide to duel for the right to get the next soulless, hackneyed, plot-deficient cash-in film that will continue to defile the corpse of the original trilogies. The only logical way to handle such a duel, naturally, is a fight to the death.
Han and Luke meet up with Frodo and Sam on a nameless Middle Earth plain. Well, it would be nameless, except for the fact that J.R.R. Tolkien shows up to drone on and on about the history of each individual blade of grass. The hobbits are immune to the droning, since it happens anytime anyone looks at any natural environ in Middle Earth. Luke is able to tune Tolkien out by focusing his mind and attuning himself further to the Force. Han, on the other hand, can’t take it for very long and shoots himself in the foot to distract himself from the agony of boredom. Round One goes to Sam Gamgee and Frodo Baggins, based mostly on the fact that it doesn’t go to Han and Luke.
As the voice of Mr. Tolkien fades into a droning background noise, the fight truly gets underway and each combatant gets down to doing what he does best. Sam wastes no time whipping up a mean vegetable garden, and Frodo starts dancing a jig while singing a hobbit song. The song is cut short when Han, now slightly delirious with blood loss, starts firing his blaster in an attempt to get some peace and quiet. Panicked at the laser blasts, Frodo quickly slips on the One Ring, which gives him the impressive power of…turning invisible.
After he’s done face-palming at the awkwardness of this fight so far, Luke joins the fray. He brings out his light saber and goes to work, chopping off Sam’s spading arm and taking him out of the fight. He then centers his mind, trying to track down Frodo by way of the Force. Round Two goes to Han Solo and Luke Skywalker.
Seeing his trusty gardner in pain, Frodo decides that enough is enough. Showing some of that plot-improtant hobbit resolve, he takes off the One Ring, draws his uncle’s magical sword Sting, and stands up to Luke, challening him to a duel. Luke stares into Frodo’s eyes, impressed by the little man’s resolve, and decides that he cannot in good conscience take on the brave hobbit who would happily give his life to save his best friend/gardner/life partner.
Fortunately for those of us who have no desire to see this fight end like the punchline of a Hallmark greeting card, Han is still deliriously shooting in an attempt to kill reality and end the droning omnipresent voice of J.R.R. Tolkien, who is now reciting the lineage of each farmer who has ever tilled the earth in a five-mile radius around the plan where the battle is taking place. A stray laser beam catches Frodo in the side of the head, killing him and ending the fight. Luke is saddened by the loss of such a brave creature, but then realizes that he’d better get ready for some more crappy Star Wars prequels. He heads off to rehearse, while Chewbacca eventually comes by to save Han. Round Three and the fight go to Han Solo and Luke Skywalker.