The Tin Woodman versus the T-1000

A machine who used to be a man versus a man who pretends to be a machine.The Tin Woodman of Oz is ultimately a tragic character. He was once a man deeply in love with a woman, but the Wicked Witch of the East enchanted his axe to cut off his limbs and ultimately kill him. Rebuilt by a tinsmith, this bastard child of magic and tin is now the kind-hearted ruler of the Winkies. He is also a badass when he has his axe in his hands. Facing off against him is the T-1000, a liquid metal version of the Terminator that has the capability of changing shape. Ever on the hunt for John Connor, the T-1000 is a nigh unstoppable and ruthlessly efficient killing machine.

Round One:
The fight begins when the T-1000 learns that John Connor is hiding out in the realm of the Winkies. The terminator travels through time to find the future leader of humanity and put an end to him in the fantastic realm. After a series of rather bloody encounters with the natives, the Tin Woodman leaves his castle and begins his hunt for the thing that has been reigning terror upon his people. For a while the T-1000 manages to keep out of sight by taking the form of the munchkin-like Winkies, but eventually he gets sick of the embarrassment of disguising himself as a gay bunch of dwarves and takes the traditional form of the badass robotic police officer. The Tin Woodman naturally discovers the cybernetic menace and attacks, cutting off the T-1000’s head in one swift stroke. However, much to his surprise the T-1000 stays standing. The decaptiated head melts into liquid metal and scurries back to the body, and the terminator forms a new head. While the woodman is left momentarily shocked, the T-1000 punches a hole clear through his foe’s tin chest and rips out the paper heart that Oz once gave him. The Tin Woodman falls over, stunned, and the T-1000 closes in for the kill. Round One goes to the T-1000.

Round Two:
At first the Tin Woodman begins to weep for the loss of his heart. Then he realizes that crying isn’t going to solve anything. The only solution he sees is death. Without a heart and therefore without an emotional conscience, the Tin Woodman springs to his feet and goes absolutely ballistic with his axe. He slices clear through the T-1000 and cuts again and again, scattering the liquid metal that forms the terminator everywhere with his axe. Determined to slice his foe down to a molecular level, the Woodman goes into such a frenzy that it shocks the Winkies into action. Only their most heartfelt pleas to their benevolent ruler eventually bring him out of his frenzy. Frightened by his sudden outburst, the Tin Woodman gathers up the remains of his heart and wanders off. Round Two goes to the Tin Woodman.

Round Three:
It takes some time for even the T-1000 to reform himself after being chopped so fine by the Woodman’s axe. When he does he finds a startling turn of events. John Connor has emerged from hiding and is currently leading the Winkies in rebellion against their opressive cyborg dictator…in other words, the Tin Woodman. It seems that one metal man is the same as another to young Mr. Connor, and he’s sick of all the cybernetic killers that have been sent after him. Thus, he’s going after anyone who even looks like he might be a terminator. When the T-1000 arrives on the scene, the fighting has already begun and many rebellious Winkies have died under the Woodman’s blade. Rather than continue their fight, the Tin Woodman and the T-1000 team up to deal with the source of their problems: John Connor. The Winkies try valiantly to defend their leader, but since their attacks aren’t going to hurt a man made entirely of steel and another man who can regenerate from any injury, they end up sucking hard as defenders in their last stand. John Connor is captured, drawn, and quartered by the metallic duo. Order is restored to the land of the Winkies.

Then, in an ironic twist of fate, the T-1000 disappears into nothingness.

You see, had the fight continued for another few weeks, the Tin Woodman would have gone to his friend the Scarecrow, ruler of Oz, for aid. Using technology stolen from Skynet by the Cowardly Lion’s black ops, they would have created the T-1000 and sent him back in time to eliminate John Connor. But, since the T-1000 helped to kill John Connor, none of that happened and the terminator thus does not exist. Get it?

Don’t think about it too hard…your head will explode. Luckily, the Tin Woodman has an empty head, so he just shrugs his shoulders and goes back to ruling his kingdom. Round Three is a draw, but the fight goes to the Tin Woodman as it turns out that the T-1000 never existed. Therefore, this fight didn’t happen. Therefore it did happen, but it didn’t happen because it happened and…AAAAGH!!! MY BRAINS ARE LEAKING OUT MY EARS!!!


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